FELIX

The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence

If you’ve seen the first Human Centipede film, you may well have been pretty disgusted. It wasn’t nice, was it? But this one is worse. This story follows Martin Lomax, a depraved maniac obsessed with the first film, and his insane urge to create a twelve-person ‘centipede’. You can imagine how it goes. This movie has not been released into any UK viewing format: the British Board of Film Classification deemed it “undoubtedly tasteless and disgusting”.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Vampires, werewolves, vampires having a minor disagreement with werewolves, a bit of running, a bit of slow motion vampire-y jumping, a girl pregnant with a vampire-human hybrid monster, said girl’s pregnancy craving being a nice cup of blood... yep, this is a spectacular film. Not only will the love interests (and I use the term ‘interests’ lightly) bore the pants of all parties, but the strobe lighting and reasonably graphic birth scene are likely to make some feel dizzy.

Irreversible

Directed by Gaspar Noé, this French film was released in UK cinemas without much question, although admittedly with an 18 certificate. This is surprisingly lenient considering a hugely graphic rape scene which goes on for what seems like many uncomfortable hours, not to mention some spectacularly extreme and gory death-by-fire-extinguisher-bludgeoning. Certainly not the best date film by any means.

La Belle Noiseuse

Seriously – any film in which we can see the fantastically gorgeous Emmanuelle Béart standing totally starkers for two hours while modeling for a painting, should not be a boring film. Unfortunately, the film is four hours long... and the other two consist of close-ups of the painter at work. So not only are you parading naked lady in front of your date, you are also boring her rigid. I mean, at least have Béart do star-jumps, or something.

Honourable mentions: Fatal Attraction, Titanic, Pink Flamingos, Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire, I Spit on your Grave, The Last House on the Left, Misery, Requiem for a Dream, Revolutionary Road, American Psycho, Showgirls, Striptease, xXx, The Fast and the Furious series, and any film by Lars von Trier.