You were weak. Despite our foolproof guides on how to have a one night stand (in Metric), ‘How to have a one night stand (in Metric)’, and how not to fall in love with someone (from Metric), ‘How not to fall in love with someone (from Metric)’, you went ahead and fell in love with someone (from Metric) and now you’ve been stuck in a relationship with them (someone you met in Metric) for months. Somehow, this relationship still sort of revolves around Metric. Congratulations, you’re trash. But, just like a gastrobug, it’s run its course, and more importantly, summer is nearly here and you want to bang some hotties in a hostel in Indonesia as you travel around trying to find yourself. Or, it’s your final year, and you’re ready to Gold Rush. You can’t do that with a relationship, or a gastrobug. So you want out. But how?
You have two options Obviously the grown up thing to do is sit them down and have a conversation with them, but you’re not ready for that. You’re a pathetic excuse for a human being, and you forgot to pack your spine when you were moving into halls. You’ve chosen to go down the route of making them break up with you. Nice job.
A | Be a dick
Piss off their housemates so much that their friends insist that they break up with you. Force their hand. Tommy and Gina never back down. Unfortunately it could backfire, and you could be coerced into getting a love pad. Avoid at all costs.
1 | Prove their friends right They were warned by their friends about you, now it’s time to prove them right. Spread rumours about your own infidelity. Then lie, say you’ve been cheating on them for months. Lying to them is kinder than being honest with them: they’ve taken such a toll on your appearance and street cred that no one could possibly want you, and of course there’s not someone else. All you want really is to sit at home in your underwear eating Ben and Jerry’s straight from the carton and masturbating over that hot girl from Biology’s Instagram. Why can’t you just be alone?!
2 | Cool things down Forget your anniversary, their birthday, maybe even their name for a second there. Keep reminiscing about things you didn’t do with them. “Remember when we went to M&M World? Oh wait no that wasn’t with you”. Ask them how many siblings they have at least twice a week. And always make their tea wrong.
3 | Spread the love Keep saying you want to open up the relationship. Tell them, “I just don’t think that there’s a finite amount of love that I can give”. Unless you’re poly, in which case you’re probably already so used to communicating that this whole thing really ought not to be a problem. Keep pushing for a threesome with their hot best friend. They’ll either oblige or refuse, which you can use later. It’s a win-win situation. Once they agree to the threesome, have the threesome, and then dump them immediately after because you think they’re cheating on you with the other person.
4 | The unwelcome guest Make them really unwelcome in your space. If they’re allergic to cats, get a cat. If they’re not allergic to cats, get a mean cat that likes to bite. It sounds like a lot of effort but maybe your pet will end up being a social media star and you can be a full time YouTuber. Then you’ll definitely be broken up with.
5 | The fake cheat Manufacture a scenario where they find you cheating on them (possibly using the friend finder app). If they’re not the snoopy type you’ll have to get creative. Pay someone to throw their drink in your face at a restaurant in front of your partner, saying something like “You said she was fat and ugly!”. Hopefully you’ll shortly get another drink thrown in your face
6 | Use all the clichés They will have never heard them before because they are Imperial students and it’s unlikely that they will have had an extensive love life. But flip them round for clarity. You don’t still want to be friends, it really is them, not you. You did mean to hurt them, and you will love again soon you’re sure.
7 | Just ghost them If they persist, change your number. If they show up at your flat or your department, move house, transfer universities, burn off your fingerprints and start a new life in suburban Spain. You’re Alex Macgee now. Embrace it.
B | Smother them with love
1 | Be extremely clingy Change their contact name on your phone to “The One”. Show them. Look proud. You’re trying to freak them out with emotional proximity. You’ll know you’ve succeeded if you can see the terror in their eyes. If not, escalate.
2 | Create false intimacy by sharing false secrets Like maybe tell them about that time you killed your ex’s dog, because they were spending too much time together. That could be them. You could be like Alex in Fatal Attraction. Only your bond is important...
3 | Get a tattoo of their name on your body Show them your new tattoo. Repeatedly. Show their friends. Show their mum. Don’t tell them it’s not a real tattoo, it’s a transfer tattoo, obviously. You’re not an idiot, you don’t really love them. There’s only space for one man on your skin and that’s Jon Bon Jovi. You ain’t gonna live forever, so this relationship needs to die. Now.
4 | Swamp their social media This is for the ones who’ve stood their ground. Start taking loads of photos of them sleeping and post them on Facebook. Caption them, “I wish you were here. Closer. Inside me.” Yeah we don’t know either, you freak.
5 | The reverse ghost Constantly call and text them, and ask why they’re not calling you back. Feign being ghosted. Demand to know why they’re ghosting you! It’s your life, how could they do such a thing?!
6 | The high stakes play It’s now or never, book a really extravagant holiday six months in the future. Once there’s no chance that you’ll get your money back, it’s almost guaranteed that you will break up. Hopefully, by the time you’re ready to hit Hawaii you’ll be single and ready to mingle.
7 | The long game It’s all backfired, and they’re even more in love with you now. Stop trying, you’re clearly meant to be. If you don’t manage to kill your relationship, marriage probably will, so get out there and start shopping for engagement rings. The sooner you get this over with, the sooner you can get divorced and finally be free. You might need a child or two to drive them away but that’s what boarding schools are for.
The final choice
If they resist breaking up with you despite all these measures, you need to do something drastic. The fact alone that they still want to be with you means they’re a sociopath and you need to end this relationship fast.
It’s time to talk about your feelings. Just do it somewhere public. Maybe on a bus. Right as they’re getting off.
Alternatively you can always fake your own death.
Failing all that, send them this piece courtesy of felix. You’re welcome.