The Jeremy Kyle Show... wow. Where to start? I suppose I could start by telling you that the comedian Jim Davidson once suggested that the producers of the show catch the vermin who appear on it outside Lidl with a large net. Or I could tell you that a judge called it “human bear-bating”. Or perhaps that it’s also been described by a Labour MP as a “modern day freak show”.
Episodes usually fall into four categories; ‘heartwarmers’ (where someone has a genuine disability or issue that the show helps them out with by funding treatment or some other form of help) - meh, boring. Rehab episodes, still boring. The final two involve either DNA or lie detector tests; this is where the real shit goes down. In case you aren’t familiar with the show, here are a few example episode titles: “I’m A Binge Drinker And A Drug Dealer, But I’ll Be A Great Dad!”, “My Kids Are Black and Angry!”, “Why Do You Nag Us About the Heating Costing So Much and Then Leave Windows Wide Open?” (could be a reference to my housemate...), “Who’s Father To Your Baby? Me Or My Dad?” and my personal favourite “Why Deny Paternity Just Because the Baby Is Ginger?”. I think we all know the answer to that one.
I don’t know what annoys me most about the Jezza K show. The fact that these people exist, the fact that most of them are unemployed and are leeching off the government because they’re too damn lazy to get a job, or the fact that they are just incredibly rude. How can they be willing to go on national television in front of a reported 1.8 million viewers to sort out their problems if they cant even listen to Jeremy without interrupting him every 4 seconds. But then again that’s what you expect from these people, they need educating; in life, manners, decency, English (I doubt the participants even know what grammar is) and arguably most importantly - how to use a condom (we don’t want to breed a generation of retards now, do we?).
On a somewhat more political note, it shocks me that these people are allowed to vote. Most seem to be less intelligent than the average three-year-old. These are the sort of people who are quite happy to shag their partner’s parents, they think being a good father is buying an Xbox 360 and a 32” TV instead of spending time with their children, they think being a grandmother and having a swingers party is normal. That’s just disgusting, there are things you just shouldn’t do at certain ages. Just imagine it, a granny who looks and probably smells worse than a bulldog’s dirty arsehole having an orgy. Eugh.
It probably sounds like I detest the Jeremy Kyle Show. But you’d be wrong to jump to conclusions – it’s quality; daytime television at its best. It may well be “human bear-bating”, but to be honest it’s funnier than a penguin playing a banjo. In one show, a woman who had slept with two men in as many days (one of them being her ex with whom she already has a child with) ran on stage and punched aforementioned ex in the face before running off stage again. She was then restrained by a vast amount of hired muscle whilst Jeremy explained to her why what she did was wrong. Her response? “Nah mate. Naaah mate. Naaaaah”. Fucking chav. She then decided that the best course of action would be to run off and smash a window. Clever girl.
I do wonder whether it’s wrong to laugh at these people though; because they clearly do have some serious issues, and I do genuinely feel sorry for the people who get caught up in it all - those who get abused by some prick on drugs, or the children who are born into already broken and dysfunctional families. I even feel sorry for the guy who was stabbed just because he was covered in tattoos - although he did look like a bit of a knob (and has legally changed his name to King Of Ink Land King Body Art The Extreme Ink-Ite). However, I always come to the same conclusion: no, it’s not wrong. It’s just too bloody funny to not laugh. Besides, it does wonders for your ego to know that you will never be as shit a person as they are.