It’s the first issue of the year, and Felix are already desperate to stay relevant. What is it the kids are into these days: politics, sex, and dwarves? Best do a Game of Thrones ™ double page spread then! Spoilers ahead.

Wildlings - Medics

Medics are the wildings incarnate. They’re natural enemies to the Math’s Watch, constantly covered in somebody’s guts and blood, and they’ll die for their freedom (or their last bottle of buckfast). On top of that, there seem to be thousands of them.

The Night’s Watch - Mathematics

“I shall take no wife, father no children, and win no glory. I pledge my life and honor to remembering C++, for this night and all the nights to come.” Despite their unwashed appearance, and voluntary celibacy, the Math’s Watch are basically good people. Even if there are very few women among their ranks.

Alchemist’s Guild - Chemistry

The alchemists dwell deep below the streets, are a bit weird, and have this thing about fire. Sound familiar? Well, we recommend that you keep an eye on that chemist in your flat, and watch out for any suspicious green fluid they might have stashed away. Also, the word chemist is literally in the word alchemist. Hard-hitting journalism, this.

The Lannisters - College

Their image is that of a wealthy, beautiful elite. But when it comes to ruling, they’re more interested in their own politics than the petty squabbles of the peasants. Preferring to hold onto power at all costs than to spend any time or resources improving the realm over which they rule, the Lannisters of Kensington Rock seem to operate without any regard for their people and are entirely out of touch with their subjects. They look pretty good though.

Maester’s Guild - Computing

Like the Math’s Watch, this ancient guild takes a vow of celibacy upon initiation. I’ve heard they add another link to their blockchain for every programming language they learn. Though their pursuit of knowledge is a selfless one, unfortunately they are destined to serve nobler houses (as IT support).

The White Walkers - Sport Imperial

Everything was probably running smoothly until these creatures showed up. We’re not even sure they’re human. Huh, you haven’t heard of them? Think they’re a myth? You’d best hope so – the only things these guys are proficient at is making a royal mess of your sport or realm. Though they are quite good at javelin.

The Faceless Men - Imperial Business School

Hiding in plain sight, and not to be trusted. These two faced snakes walk amongst us, and anyone you pass could be one of them (though you’d probably notice the obnoxious blazer and chinos). Most would rather underpay you for working at their startup than skin your face off and wear it to their next careers seminar, but they’re not fussy.

The Iron Bank - International Student’s Parents

They have seemingly endless wealth, and are situated in a far off land. While not at the forefront of the action, these are the true holders of Power in Westeros. Need new hockey sticks? A stock of wildfire to stash across the walls of King’s Landing to burn any prospective besiegers? Minibus to your next inane board game tournament? No problem, they’ve got you covered. Be wary though, the Iron Bank will have its due.

Lord Eddard ‘Neddy’ Stark - The SCR Breakfast

Sean Bean always dies, and this role is no exception. A hero to the Northerners and a bastion of virtue to the Southerners, this fan favourite was doomed from the beginning. Unlike Ned’s the SCR Breakfasts untimely demise has not yet started a civil war, but we’ll keep you posted.

The Dothraki Horde - ICU Rugby

Tall, strong, and hairy, these warriors value strong leadership above all else and are not to be crossed. However, it’s far more likely that the rugby team get their horses from daddy’s stables than the open plains of the Dothraki Sea, and they prefer to lose the boiled horse-leather tunics for tweed jackets.

Shadowlands - Materials

No one really knows what they do, and they have so far been irrelevant.