Let’s be real. Love is a drug. It inhibits our ability to think clearly, turns us into terrible people, and makes us do stupid things. Face it, it’s far more harmful than a few hours gurning at the weekend. But just like with drugs, there are different kinds of highs, and so now, in honour of the just-passed Valentine’s Day, I present you the different people you have fallen in love with, and the associated stupid things they will make you do.

You’ll love all of these people, in different ways, but they’re nothing compared to your one true love: you.

1 | The first love

This is the one you have a crush on all the way through secondary school. You’ll insist that it is real love, that no one else could ever possibly understand them. Although they don’t know it yet, you are the one. Unfortunately, for the time being, they will inevitably have a long-term crush on your best friend. The stupidity of youth will have you writing their name all over stuff. Even if it’s just your diary where no one else can see it, that’s not really private, because it’s going to come back to haunt you when your parents move house, pack up your room, and unearth the diaries hidden under your bed.

2 | The first relationship

This is your first proper relationship, probably in sixth form, or with someone from your halls when you’re a fresher. You’ll think you’re so grown up, when you’re turning down nights out to stay in with bae, watch X Factor, and cuddle. You’ll probably gain a lot of weight because of this (not that that’s a bad thing, but there are much more fun ways to get fat than to stay in every night eating pizza), and you’ll post how much you love each other all over facebook, both of which you’ll regret when you inevitably break up just before the summer holidays, bore everyone with your moping for six weeks, and then realise that no one really wants that life at your age anyway.

3 | The one you idolised

This is the one whose attention you can’t believe you’re receiving. They’re the beautiful Italian in your tutorial, the one who sashays in looking effortlessly beautiful and glamorous. You don’t know why they’re suddenly interested in you, but they are. Unfortunately, it will make you cripplingly insecure. Why are they talking to the others? Are they going to leave you for them?! You’ll become paranoid, and eventually break up with them dramatically before they can dump you. You’ll get over it pretty quickly, and will always show people their facebook profile at parties to brag about this hottie you once scored. You’ll never know that you broke their heart. They could have been the one.

4 | The love at first sight

This is the one you’ll meet one Sports Night at Metric. You’ll see them across the bar, and your eyes will meet. You’ll start talking to them. Why have you never met before? You have everything in common! This connection must be made to last. You start planning your future together; they’ll get on so well with your friends. You’ll make your famous Shepherd’s Pie to impress their housemates, and you’re already starting to put together a parent-safe anecdote to explain how you met. But then you go to the toilet and when you come back they’re making out with your friend. Your friends are always so shit. You should get better friends. You go over to your friend and throw your drink over them. Now that was stupid, wasn’t it?

5 | The one you thought was the one

You’ll think you know everything when you fall in love with this one. You’ve been around the relationship block, you know the difference between stupid teenage love and the real love you’re feeling now. They’re the one who’ll be in your family photos at graduation, the one you turn down that amazing consulting job in New York for, because you can’t imagine a life without them. You’ll make sacrifices and change your life plans for them. If you’re unlucky, you’ll get engaged.

When you break up it’ll be unexpected, and you’ll start to relate to VICE articles and think you’re interesting enough to start doing drugs and going to orgies. You’re probably not, but you probably are better off now. No one wants the same things after they leave Imperial.