Aries: This week your selfesteem takes a further blow when you realise that your Tyler Durden is just your weird housemate.
Taurus: This week seems as good a week as any to get into the bond racket.
Gemini: This week if you liked breakout rooms, you’ll love Microsoft Teams’ breakdown rooms, made for existential crises and high-intensity choreography.
Cancer: This week you’re excited to have a threesome until you realise that it just means you’ll cry twice as hard after.
Leo: This week they come for you. - You’re not in, so they will attempt kidnapping tomorrow between 10am and 7pm.
Virgo: This week your sandwich maker breaks down after you forget to feed her for a few weeks.
Libra: This week the 27th Corbyn brother tries to induct you into his fragrance-based pyramid scheme.
Scorpio: This week you get two ribs put in to stop yourself from sucking your own dick.
Sagittarius: This weeks paper will be released next week.
Capricorn: This week your morning affirmations become dangerously letter-bomby.
Aquarius: This week the immortality promised by your haunted Aztec gold will be called into question when you are diagnosed with heart disease.
Pisces: This week’s national lockdown means you picked the wrong week to quit masturbating.