This week, I met with B.R Coli, a female queer friend, to talk about sex. We wanted to shed some light on the general ins and outs and common misconceptions surrounding gay sex, as well as learn a bit about each other’s sex lives and see what common ground we have, and what’s different between man sex and… well, woman sex.

Man-on-man sex

B.R Coli: Well I guess it would probably involve one guy putting his penis in the other guy’s mouth, or sometimes bum. Maybe some kissing.

B.C. Maile: Yes that’s fairly accurate. Most of my sexual encounters have tended to revolve around oral or bum sex. There is a fairly wide range of things guys do though, hand jobs can be fun. Masturbating two penises together is another one. Rimming is also great if you like that kind of thing.

Woman-on-woman sex*

*We are not sexist and will not refer to it as girl-on-girl sex

B.C. Maile: My idea of lesbian sex is that it’s probably fairly orally focussed with a fair bit of handy play?

B.R Coli: Well oral and manual stuff definitely happens, but more often than not toys are involved. Vibrators, dildos and strap-ons are common. It can be difficult for a lot of girls to orgasm without using a toy of some kind. Do guys use toys much?

B.C. Maile: OK, I think toys are a fairly common thing for gay guys, although I’d say much less so. They are considered by many to be a bit of a kink.

Tops and bottoms

B.C. Maile: For guys, there’s usually a top (the guy who puts his penis into the other one) and a bottom (the guy who gets a penis put in him). There also tends to be a more dominant and a more submissive partner. The top isn’t always the dominant one though, sometimes you get what’s called a ‘power bottom’ who takes the lead in the encounter. For girls, is there a standard behavioural dynamic where partners take distinct roles?

B.R Coli: Yes, there tends to be a partner who takes a more dominant role in lesbian sex too. Usually this partner will be using a toy or fingers on a more passive or submissive one. There are some situations where the roles are shared more evenly but I’d say for most, it’s an asymmetrical dynamic. Age gaps are also a bit of a thing. Many women only feel able to come out much later in life, and relationships between those women and young lesbians are common.


B.R Coli: Actually a lot of the time you’ll fool around for ages without the orgasm being a distinct aim, but it can still be a satisfying and pleasurable sexual encounter without either partner coming. I’ve always been curious though about bottoms. Do they cum?

B.C. Maile: Well generally guy sex ends in both partners coming. although sometimes it’s just one or neither #helpful. The bottom generally does cum. During butt sex he gets a fair bit of pleasurable stimulation to his prostate. Usually this won’t cause a hands free orgasm but it makes it fairly quick when combined with masturbation. Sometimes nobody cums but both partners have a great time. It depends on the nature of the encounter really.


B.R Coli: There’s a bit of a bar scene in London. There are some places where people can go to pull. I’m not super into casual hook-ups but the bars are OK. From my experience, they tend to be geared towards more femme girls and are generally fairly cis-dominated environments. As for apps, the pickings are fairly slim for girls. There’s Tinder, which people get some success on. There’s also a dating app called Her which is aimed at queer, lesbian and bisexual girls. People aren’t generally too willing to meet up on that one though. I think it can be more difficult for girls meet each other. There is still a lot of homophobia towards queer or lesbian girls so it can be much more challenging to be open about your sexuality.

B.C. Maile: I think that’s true. The male gay scene generally allows for fairly easy hook-ups. Pulling in bars is fairly common. For me I’ve met all of my partners through apps. Tinder is also used among gay guys but in my experience, Grindr has yielded much more success. For those who don’t know, it’s basically like Tinder but everyone swipes right. Sometimes the hypersexual nature of it can be a bit overwhelming though!

Well that’s all we have space for! I hope you guys enjoyed and learned something from our chat. There was a lot of stuff I would have liked to include, and many misconceptions about the way ‘the gays’ get down and dirty that would be great to talk about BUT Rome wasn’t built in a day.