Top tips
Don’t waste money on new books. Simple take an old one, tippex out the writing and put new text on top. A biro (15p) is perfect for this.
Twit.
For a more professional looking result, cut out letters from old newspapers and use them instead.
Twit.
If you must buy new books, meet me under the Sherfield steps at 10pm on Tuesday. Cash only. Just don’t buy them in Waterstones. Please.
E. Alsop A. Twit.
Taxi drivers - save yourself the trouble and expense of running a cab by simply wandering around with a Uzi and shooting students’ legs off.
M. Roadkill.
Southside shop - don’t waste time opening the shop in the morning, simply mug passers-by in broad daylight.
E.J Smith
Security officers - A French loaf makes an excellent holder for doughnuts, and when you’ve finished them you can spread it with chocolate, bend it into a ring, and eat it. Mmmm. Doughnuts.
H. Hussain.
Students - don’t go to the effort of washing your pillow case each year, simply use a black bin bag instead. When you’ve finished your degree, just throw it away! (and sleep in the bag).
Stink
Builders, don’t make the extra effort to be quiet, just keep banging away until everyone is deaf and can’t hear you anyway.
B. Student
Builders, why try and string coherent sentences together when just shouting random crap interspersed with the occasional word will keep everyone guessing as to what your really trying to complain about.
Off
Astrophysicists - a disposable camera sellotaped onto a brick and thrown vigorously into the air makes a great alternative to a satellite-based spectrometer. And you can spend the remaining money on beer. All Ł2.50 of it.
Faceless Bureaucrat.
Ian Bayley - Try eating less biscuits and sausages and more real food, you tory scum.
Major
Alex Feakes - a microphone connected to a fuck-off massive amplifier might just allow people to hear what you are saying. Possibly.
Maths students - Avoid making embarrassing snoring noises during lecture by not going in the first place. Then recreate the notes by cutting up a Greek newspaper and throwing it about.
Pleb
Biochemists - stop making up new words as I am trying to revise and it makes life difficult.
D Elliot
Computing students - 00100110 01011100 1101100 11011101 11001010 11001100 10101010 11001101 00101010 10000110 01011100 11011001 11110111 00101010 100110101 01100110 10010010 011001011 100110110 01101110 11100101 01010011 01010110011 010010010 011001011 100110110 0110111011 10010101 0100110 10101100 11010010 010011 0010111 001101100 1101110 11100101 01010011 0101011 001101 0010010 0110010 11100110 11001101 110111 0010101 01001101 01011001 101001.
mltb1.
Oasis Fans - why not tell everyone how much you like the band by singing at the top of your atonal voice in the bar, you drunken twats.
Albarn.
Examiners - Extend your lifespan by at least 20 years by giving me a good grade.
D. Elliott
Football fans - don’t waste money on expensive tickets. Just put your table football table on a spinning washing machine and yell URRRRRRRGH!
Vegetarians - dried dog turds make a fine alternative to expensive soya protein. And piss can be used to turn milk in to vegetarian cottage cheese.
Run out of vinegar? Just squeeze out a copy of Guildsheet and the vitriol will provide a tart taste for your chips. But the crap won’t.
Mr Sarson.
Dustmen - amuse yourselves by kicking open bags of rubbish and yelling instead of collecting them.
T Banks
Students - get your own back on dustmen by filling your rubbish bags with shit. This also saves on water bills.
Grant.
