You’re a bunch of greedy t***ts!

Oh, I’m sorry. I must’ve been emailing my imaginary Felix editor with an entirely imagined column about the need for you to shut your traps and adjust to life a bit better. My mistake. That would explain the reams of whiny toss on Facebook, Twitter, newspapers and my latest Moaning Gitfaces Weekly. Although the latter was a whiny toss special edition, so that absolves it somewhat.

So the government want to charge more for university, eh? My, that is quite the situation. I mean, the actual amount you pay off each month/year is unlikely to change. And as long as the loans are still available – which they always will be – there’s little barrier to entering university. Will you be paying your loan off for most of your life? Well, yes. Will you notice it between the myriad other bills you’ll be paying? I imagine not.

It’s not your fault. The drive to push more people into university has probably made you feel none of this is a big deal any more. It is, of course. You’re going to voluntarily cough up another four years of your life to learn almost everything there is to know about a given topic. But because almost everyone you know has also toddled off to university, it feels like it’s just something people do.

As Imperial graduates, you will, almost without doubt, be the highest earners in the country compared with others in your generation. That may not be why you came here, but it is an almost inescapable side effect, unless you’re mentally damaged enough to want to write for Felix and become a journalist, hyuk hyuk.

Field Marshal Happypants Aaron Porter of the National Union of Students has called the cuts ‘crippling’ and ‘reckless’

Field Marshal Happypants Aaron Porter of the National Union of Students has called the cuts ‘crippling’ and ‘reckless’, despite the fact that the qualifying salary for paying back the loan is only a few thousand pounds short of the average wage (a wage which many Imperial students earn from the day they graduate). Even coupled with an interest rate rise, it’s hard to believe that the next generation will be scrabbling around in the dirt looking for theorems to prove.

What does this come down to? For some – but by no means all of you – it is undoubtedly greed. You oppose paying such large sums for education, not on a moral level, but because you love money. You came to Imperial to work in the oil industry, or as part of a laughable plan to retire at the age of thirty-five or something. After three years of writing this column, I hope I don’t need to remind this particular subsection of Imperial society that, come the revolution, I will be stacking you side by side, slapping cement between the lot of you and using you as the wall against which I’ll shoot the people I dislike slightly less than you.

For the rest of you, I’d imagine it’s a misunderstanding, or a feeling that you’re propping up the rest of society. This might be true, but on some level it’s your duty to do this. You are the most able people in this country, with the brightest future and the most potential. Bottom of the class at Imperial is still world-class in the grand scheme of things. As a member of the undergraduate population, you have a role to play in the world of tomorrow.

So get off your high horse, drink your milk, and get on with that coursework. There’s work to do.