Between a rock and a hard place – the battle for the Chilean Miner story rights

The live feed of the Chilean miners’ rescue on the 13th October 2010 had it all: drama, suspense, and plenty of filler from the reporters on scene who were trying to occupy the long pauses between anything actually happening in San José de Copiapó. In this, a frequent theme was what would happen to the miners once brought to the surface and much speculation as to the possibility of a film being made of the story. Ever sensitive to incidents of peril, the Felix office and its film writers have put together several theories as to what kind of outcomes we might be able to expect from a dramatization of their sixty-nine day ordeal.

Set down a dark, damp mine away from civilisation immediately creates the perfect atmosphere for a film in the horror or thriller genre. This could well be the next title on the increasingly shit filmography for M. Night Shyamalan whose penchant for twist-endings and often supernatural goings on could easily be recreated down the Chilean mine. In this, we see the thiry-three miners growing increasingly paranoid as they are subjected to the kinds of psychological thriller tricks only Shyamalan is able to pull of – like clicking noises or red paint on doors. Mental.

Perhaps, though, to lessen the trauma of the whole thing, a nice family-friendly plot could be readily taken up by the undefeatable Pixar Studios. Using their mandatory anthropomorphism and animated charm, John Lasseter and his crew could create a beautiful story about thirty-three trapped animals/toys/any object with a face drawn on overcoming their differences and believing in themselves. Possible titles include Miners’ Inc. or Down.

If that’s too lame for you, you can always rely on Quentin Tarantino to direct some stylish grindhouse flick starring Samuel L. Jackson and Benicio Del Toro as two bad motherfuckers who are caught when the impossibly convoluted storyline collapses and must find the opening of the film. There are also snakes in the mine.

A director who is no stranger to stories of people stuck between a rock and a hard place is neurotic New Yorker Woody Allen who could easily fill several hours of nervous self-analysis, seeing the whole stuck-down-a-mine thing as an allegory for his own metaphorical shafting.

Or we could run with The Expendables, a blockbuster action film starring a stellar cast of unnamed Chinese miners who become trapped in a mine and are ignored by the authorities and world press.

To follow current trend, surely many would support a High School Musical 4: Apprenticeship In Poorly Constructed Mine simply as an excuse to bury that floppy-haired knobber Zac Efron and his friends. Cameras optional. Also, might as well stick the Glee cast down there (ooh - controversial).

The story might also get offered to James Cameron who could be asked to direct Avator-ture a four-hour, horror film where Cameron is asked to make a film for less than $50 million, and then gets trounced in the Academy Awards by his ex-wife.

Failing all of these, it’s been a while since we’ve had a new hip-hopera from R. Kelly and Trapped in the Mine might be the thing to bring it all back.