Felix’s guide to surviving the zombie apocalypse

So we all know the zombie apocalypse is coming at some point, most likely arising from some combination of a genetically modified virus, a dodgy business venture and a mad Imperial graduate. When it does strike, what on Earth do you do? No idea? Well, after days of careful thought I’ve come up with a list of five important things you need to take into consideration when you’re battling though the infected hordes, with additional notes supplied by my celebrity guest Chuck Greene, star and survivor of Dead Rising 2 and true zombie killing expert.

1. Keep taking the pills

So someone’s infected, and you both know it. Maybe it’s you – maybe you were careless and got scratched or bitten. Maybe you can feel that growing headache or that sick feeling in your stomach. Either way, you know it’s the end of the line for someone. There’s no shame in putting someone out of their misery, and if you’re the unfortunate one... well, I’d always advise you keep one bullet with you at all times. Maybe Chuck can spread his words of wisdom on this very dark subject...

There’s no shame in putting someone out of their misery

CHUCK GREENE’S INFECTION INFO:

“I recommend ZombrexTM, the revolutionary over-the-counter drug available at all good pharmacies. Bitten? Scratched? Knowing the end is near? Never fear, ZombrexTM will forestall your zombification in handy, easy to use epipen-delivered doses. It truly is the ‘gift of life’. See your local pharmacy for more information... sponsorship? What gives you that impression?”

2. Get the right tools

Another issue of paramount importance, what weapon you use very much depends on the type of zombie about. Fast and ferocious? Bullets are your safest bet. Slow and shambling? Melee might be a wiser choice. If you’re going down the gun route, for God’s sake make sure you know how to use them. If you pick melee, get something that’s actually going to last a good few whacks, like a cricket bat or a frying pan. Maybe Chuck could back me up here?

CHUCK GREENE’S WEAPONRY WISDOM:

“Try and get your creative juices flowing and think outside of the weapon locker. A fire axe is a good weapon, but then so is a sledgehammer. Try taping them together and bam! Axe-hammer! Pugilists might want to try out oversized/flaming boxing gloves to get the adrenaline pumping, or, for the more mechanically minded, jam three power drills into a rusty bucket for a novel way to liquidize zombie heads.”

3. An apple a day...

Food and water will be in limited supply when the world goes to hell. Looters will have pillaged many food stores, so scavenge what you can, when you can. If possible, grab multi-vitamins from any chemist you find – a lot of the time you’ll end up eating tinned food and you’ll need every nutritional advantage you can get. Mr. Greene, your thoughts?

CHUCK GREENE’S NUTRITIONAL NUGGET:

“Snack food and booze, snack food and booze... it’s like being a student again! Snack machines are common as muck, and booze is free to enjoy in any abandoned bar. Just try not to drink too much... ‘scuse me... blughhh...”

4. Start your engines

Moving about in a zombie infected world is perilous on foot, yet most roads will be locked up with abandoned cars and trucks. If travelling alone, a motorcycle or dirt bike may be your best bet. If in a group, finding a heavy truck to plough through the vehicular blockade would be a shrewd decision. Don’t forget to scavenge for petrol and diesel as both will become very sought after resources. Let’s get Chuck’s word on this:

CHUCK GREENE’S TRANSPORT TIP:

“When fighting off the zombies in malls or close quarters, gasoline based transport is impractical. Two wheeled bicycles are too unstable, so my preferred method of transport is the tricycle. My favourite one was a pink kiddie’s bike – others laughed, but they weren’t the ones smugly pedalling their way to safety.”

5. Dress to impress

A vitally important issue, trust me on this one; what you wear determines how long you’ll last outside in the cold, cruel world of the undead. Body armour is probably a sensible bet, as is any form of protective headgear. A belt or two to hook weaponry onto wouldn’t go amiss either, but let’s see what Chuck has to say on this point.

CHUCK GREENE’S ATTIRE ADVICE:

“Comfort is extremely important when trying to survive. Since there are very few people around to judge you, feel free to wear whatever the hell you want. My personal preference is split between pink floral dresses and superhero green spandex, both of which can be looted from any abandoned clothing or fancy dress store.”