Pigeons of prey

It was a very ordinary day when I realised I was a superhero.

I was walking through Hyde Park with nowhere in particular to be. As I was by myself, I granted my tongue the freedom to do as it wished. It entertained itself with a delightful series of clicks and clucks as I walked.

I stopped – I had company. There was a squirrel in my path, watching me expectantly. My tongue’s merry rhythm continued, unaware of its audience. My sciurine friend began to dance about me in rapture because of my lingual acrobatics. I then realised the power I held over squirrel-kind. It is my gift and my curse. Who am I? I am…the Squirreler!

Ahem.

The reason I am not currently cavorting about the Royal Parks in my underpants is that, as a super-power, communicating to squirrels is over-rated. All they ever talk about are acorns of interest. That, and whether peanuts are nuts or not. (To any squirrels reading this: they’re legumes – deal with it!). No, global conquest will not come in squirrel-form.

But watch out for the pigeons. Squirrels are very obvious. When you see a squirrel, you remember the encounter, perhaps even using it as a talking piece on social occasions if you happen to be that conversationally challenged. Conversely, when did you last see a pigeon? Can’t remember? Of course not; they barely flicker on your perceptual registers. And why would they? Pigeons are just so commonplace.

Being hidden in plain sight allows pigeons greater room for manoeuvre. Are those in Trafalgar Square milling about or are they reconnoitering the strategic entries and exits into key tactical locations? Are those flocking about Big Ben trying to roost or are they clocking the security shift changes at Westminster. What better cover is there than being too innocuous for suspicion?

No-one has an accurate grasp of their numbers. How can we develop counter-strategies when we lack such basic intelligence?

What’s really worrying is that the leaders of this pigeon army may not just be among us – we might be training them! Exhibition Road is a geat academic and cultural hotspot and plenty of pigeons call it home. With so much information passing back and forth, a pigeon could eavesdrop all it needs to know in no time. After all, who would consider censoring themselves because of a mere pigeon? How many times have you seen a pigeon flying about in the SAF building? It’s there for a reason.

You might scoff at this and say that the average pigeon is no smarter than a scatter-brained squirrel. This is a mistake you make at your peril – never underestimate your enemy. B. F. Skinner demonstrated that pigeons show an uncanny capacity for operant conditioning. Through trial and error, they can quickly learn and adapt to their environment. Thus, they can take the fight anywhere without going on the back-talon. The SAS, the Taliban? Amateurs compared to a pigeon with a grudge.

There are 7.5 million people in London. Do you know how many pigeons there are? No? Neither do I. No-one has an accurate grasp of their numbers. How can we develop counter-strategies when we lack such basic intelligence? We are woefully under-prepared for a pigeon insurgency – a certain leaked government dossier indicates that London could be buried under their guano in as little as forty-five minutes.

The big question surrounding this columbine coup for total domination is not “if…” but “when...” We are living on borrowed time. If we don’t do something soon, it will be too late. There is one thing I know for certain.

We won’t be getting any help from the squirrels.