Beard optional...

Welcome to Imperial, home of the [insert obvious geek joke]. You’re either returning, or starting for the first time, as a scientist, engineer, or failed-medic-in-training, and congratulations to you. If you want to, you can shape the future of the world by improving our understanding and refining our control over the world we live in. Alternatively, you can do sweet Fred Astaire for four years, drag your sorry arse across the Royal Albert Hall stage, and sod off to the world of finance/law/international superstardom. As long as neither of the two paths lead to my supply of New Forest fudge being cut off, I could care less.

The Student Union, as I’ve mentioned, is also on the list of things I couldn’t give a bishop’s nipple about. Their recent campaign, fuelled by the news that Plant Science is being cut from Imperial’s official remit, is just a wonderful example of everything that is wrong with letting students have an opinion. “Education suffers as Plant Science is abandoned” reads the headline, presumably describing two separate, unconnected events. I’m not picking on this point of view because Plant Science sounds humourously useless. That’s just a coincidence. I’m picking on it because there’s a presumption here that all is fair in science and technology, and that you can’t chop and change study areas just because there’s money involved. This is a nice idea. It’s also very naïve.

The day after this article goes out, a bunch of well-meaning people – led by everyone’s favourite games-advice-dispensing disembodied head Patrick Moore – will be marching on HM Treasury, standing outside for a bit looking unhappy, and then marching home again. Why? Well it’s hard to find good reasons from an evolutionary biology point of view, but they claim on their website, ‘Science Is Vital’, that ‘destructive levels of cuts’ are planned for science in this country. This is probably true, and protesting is always a good idea. But we’re missing something.

I found myself in Birmingham a few weekends back, having a discussion with my lady about the nature of science, whilst expertly smearing a pizza all over a new shirt. I argued that as scientists we have one role – to work shit out. Sometimes that shit requires peer review. Sometimes the shit has far-reaching consequences, affecting other metaphorically-related faecal matter. But our primary concern is the shit itself. We function as a public good to society, discovering and developing things that are offered up to everyone in the world, for their benefit. That’s it. Our worth can’t be measured in annual outputs, as both the government and the protesters are trying to do. Our effect on the world is seen over the course of decades, centuries even. It’s glacial in progress terms.

Our effect on the world is seen over the course of decades, centuries even. It’s glacial in progress terms.

And so budgets get cut, and students, researchers and so on suffer. We protest because, firstly, we have the right to and secondly, where else can we use those witty anti-government jokes and puns we think up on the commute. But it’s important not to lose sight of the fact that our job is not to convince the world of our worth. That’s a Herculean task. Our job is simply our job. Work shit out.

My point then, is this – you’re back at Imperial again/for the first time. Maybe you’ve got the Captain Chuckles thing going on and you find anyone with an ounce of genuine interest in their field hilarious. That’s fine. I can actually handle that. But if you’re on the other side, and you’re interested, and intrigued, and want to spend time in science long after your graduation, remind yourself of this – no-one wants you here. You’re a service. So if you plan on staying, stay for one reason and one reason only - because you really love this stuff.

And the fact that the ladies love the lab coat.