What’s wrong with camping? Everything...

I don’t know what you got up to with your summer. Maybe you went home, met up with some old friends and took it easy. Maybe you took off around the world in a glamorous jet-set holiday. Maybe you engaged in a whirlwind fling of summer romance (like a forest-fire, it was short-lived but passionate and not the least bit legal). I don’t know; I’m just guessing.

As for me, I went camping.

This might not sound exciting but a week spent in a field can be entertaining, enlightening and occasionally death-defying – everything you could want from a holiday at home.

Now admittedly, the week can start on a pretty grim note as you realise exactly why the wilderness is so-called. More experienced adventurers will laugh at your vain attempts to get a wi-fi signal halfway up a tree and the number of plants you try and plug a phone-charger into. If the end of the world happened while you were camping, you can be sure you wouldn’t hear about it until you rejoin the M5.

If the end of the world happened while you were camping, you can be sure you wouldn’t hear about it until you rejoin the M5

Things don’t improve drastically when, on an exploratory walk-about, you get your first glimpse of the bathroom facilities – that is, if there are any. One look at those anachronistic monstrosities of iron and porcelain and your buttocks will seal shut for no less than a week. I’ve heard that on longer sojourns, they’ve actually healed over completely. The only exception to this being the one night you have curry. When this happens, make sure you have a clear plan of all available exits; you will need them.

The British weather being what it is, if you go camping during the summer, you will certainly need a good set of waterproof clothing. All waterproofs are waterproof. The million-dollar question is for how long? The nemesis of all campers is a sky so black even emos forego the colour in wallpaper swatches on the grounds that it is too depressing. However, remain ever vigilant for the opposite. Without a doubt, the most glorious sight on a camp-site is the first ray of sunlight and blue sky after a storm. Many have sought this vision; few have witnessed it.

If you decide to invite your friends along on a camping holiday, the opportunities for pranks are limitless. Remember, sleeping in the same tent as someone is as intimate as having sex with them, with the same capacity for betrayal. Pranks can range from the simple, the standard, like drawing on their face with a sharpie or toothpaste on the eyebrows, to the daring, like dragging their sleeping bag out into the middle of the field at night (bonus points if it’s raining), to the borderline-psychopathic, like leaving a sheep’s head in their sleeping bag. However, be aware that you are vulnerable to retribution and retaliation. If you prank someone on the first night, don’t expect to get much sleep for the rest of the week – sleeping with one eye open is tiring work.

And that’s just the fun you can have in the field. Just wait until you get out and explore the local attractions. Of course, you won’t be staying near anywhere big – that’s why it’s the countryside – and because of the lack of any serious tourism, any attractions nearby won’t rate much above two stars. On the plus side, by the time you’ve seen the Agatha Christie Museum, your waterlogged camp-site will look positively inviting!

The only thing standing between you and a watery grave is a thin sheet of canvas

Let me summarise all this. You can almost guarantee that the weather and the facilities will be crap, the only thing standing between you and a watery grave is a thin sheet of canvas, you will discover that all your friends are closet sociopaths and by definition, there will be nothing within a reasonable radius to see or do. And yet I still maintain that there is something nice, something quintessentially pure, about getting out of the city, leaving Facebook and Twitter behind. It’s not provincial and it’s not nostalgia for a lost age but it just feels good to be...unattached.

When you go camping, you don’t have to worry about bills and rent, news and celebrities, friends and family even (depending on who you’ve brought along). None of that matters since you’re not in a position to do anything about them. In a world the size of a field, your concerns dwindle to food, dry (not necessarily clean) clothing and a few vagaries about rope and canvas.

And if this still doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, there’s always Lanzarote.