Antisocial Network

I’m beginning to like Facebook. Fact-fans out there will know that the first A Geek was actually about Facebook and how terrible it was. But even then I noted that at least it would offer a convenient way of sorting you all into groups that could be easily avoided. To be honest, my feelings about Facebook have evolved around that point, the idea that you’re all now happily pigeonholed and I can observe you, clipboard in hand, and pre-arrange any avoidances and meetings.

Earlier this month, some angry people burnt some red paper poppies and got onto the news. “Oh dear me,” I thought, as I sipped my pureed copy of that day’s Sun newspaper prepared for me by Mrs. Geek, “It appears that some angry people have done something inflammatory on these darling, Christian shores.” In a world without Facebook, a magical world where farming is still a job, that is the end of the matter. At any time, I could bump into someone and discover their opinion on that news story. The little opinion-laden buggers are everywhere, lying in wait with their reckonings and thoughts.

Despicable, isn’t it? So I’m thankful that Facebook is here. I simply put down my mug, saunter over to the computer, and begin taking notes on people’s responses. Linda thinks they should “fuk bak off to their own country”. Thanks for sharing, Linda. I’ll make sure I take your nut allergy into account when choosing your Christmas present, then. Chris has liked Linda’s post. Nice to know, Chris. That mouse click really carried a lot of gravitas. You’ve earned yourself a one-way ticket to the Card And A Smile list, departing from Small Gift And A Man Hug list immediately.

Chris has liked Linda’s post. Nice to know, Chris. That mouse click really carried a lot of gravitas. You’ve earned yourself a one-way ticket to the Card And A Smile list, departing from Small Gift And A Man Hug list immediately

See? It’s easy. You just get a pen and paper, scroll through your Facebook home page, and make two lists. Twat-y and Nice. Would and Would Not Piss On If On Fire. And it’s not being vindictive, it’s genuinely helpful. You’re picking people you like based on the opinions they’re willing to express online.

Alright, it’s a bit vindictive.

I’m sticking by it simply because it never ceases to wheedle out the particularly covert nutcases. The old schoolteacher who thinks that homosexuals basically should be second-class citizens. The young art student you used to know who believes America is being run by communists. Oh, hey! Your neighbours are complaining about students who smell and suck the country dry of money. That’ll be you they mean.

It’s depressing, sure. Of course it’s depressing. Because the further you go through those news feeds, particularly those of your younger siblings and their friends, the more you realise not only that most of the people you know are dicks, but that the useful 1950s habit of keeping the crazy tightly nailed down under a saucepan somewhere at home has fallen out of fashion. People love this shit!

Facebook used to just be a terrifying waste of time. Then it became a magical place where you could see the words “Occupation: Judge” and “Fukin ell the ppl at work were shit 2day” in the same web page. Now it’s just this morass of personal confessions and unwanted, too-much-information diatribes. We like this. They like this. We think this.

As an Englishman, I just feel it was better when we refrained from discussing politics, religion or Justin Bieber on public transport and in court. I wish there was some way to retrofit more repression of emotion into our society, to bottle things up a bit more and fight back any kind of release. How are we supposed to get things done otherwise, eh?

But as I say, that’s not the world I’ve got. Instead I’ve got a world where my brother can lead a silent online revolution merely by stating that Justin Bieber is dumb and getting fourteen people to agree with him. You’ll forgive me, then, for indulging in the small mercy that I can at least write down the names of those fourteen people and append them to the end of the already arm-length gallows waiting list. Be warned, reader. The streets of the internet are no longer safe. A Geek is watching you.

Got an opinion? See if I give a shit at anangrygeek@googlemail.com.