Repainting the plan

I passed my viva a few months ago. The day before my 27th birthday, coincidentally. This should have marked the beginning of the next stage in my life but I now feel strangely confused, unable to move on. Where is my life going and all that? I’m hoping this article will have a cathartic effect. Writing for my former university paper to help me move on might seem ironic but this is not some purely egomaniacal exercise. I’m sure others are going through a similar experience, or will go through it on graduating from university. So this article is dedicated to you.

First a small digression. You may have noticed the bright set of abstract paintings on the ground floor of the central library. These were donated by an artist named Bob Brighton. A plaque situated opposite the library helpdesk states that “since becoming a professional artist in 1983 he [Bob Brighton] has given most of his work away and lived a frugal existence on the dole.” This plaque flummoxed me. Here was Imperial, promoting this guy who’s decided to completely break with the system, forget about remuneration and live on the dole instead, and proclaim it proudly too. I know the paintings came for free, but what the hell was Imperial thinking?!

Now me, I have always lived to the system. I worked hard on my equations, did lots of extra-curricular activities and I kept my weight in check. I had a Plan; I was going to be an academic. The work is interesting, can have some higher purpose and it’s cool telling people you’re a physicist. I wasn’t looking to be the next Lord Robert Winston, just somebody respected in my field. Maybe my own research group in some former polytechnic. That’s “The Plan”. Not much, but I do have to keep things realistic.

But now it seems that I just can’t be bothered.

Academics work hard. I mean really hard. Forget Saturdays for the next few years if you want to get that permanent post at some time in the future. And even after that it doesn’t get much easier if you want to be half-successful. And it’s the same for the other jobs I have been looking into; teaching, software engineering, management consultancy… Do I really want all that hassle?

I am currently working as a tutor. Working just one day a week is enough for a frugal but stress-free existence, à la Bob Brighton. And it seemed to work out just fine for him. Sometimes I want to hit my head against a wall if the kid is particularly dense but they usually improve with time. Most importantly, tutoring gives me all the time in the world to do what I really want to do. I’m still working out exactly what that is; as you can see I have a problem with decision-making.

But being a tutor wasn’t part of “The Plan”! And it’s not a real career! (no disrespect to career tutors out there). And there’s the British taxpayers I have to consider. They kindly paid for my university education out of their pocket, surely I owe it to them to get a job that (a) uses the scientific and analytical skills they equipped me with to serve the British economy and (b) is in the higher tax-band? It did make me think about the whole university fee thing, whether it’s such a bad idea after all. In theory, with the current system I wouldn’t need to reimburse the fees until I earned a certain amount but you get my drift.

It’s not like I haven’t tried. I have filled in a couple of job applications. There’s also some papers my supervisor wants me to write on my research, which should make me more employable. But the energy and ambition isn’t there anymore. Reading Bob Brighton’s plaque didn’t suddenly shatter “The Plan” (that would be silly). It just proved there were so many options out there, and not necessarily conventional ones. I just don’t know.