Why I hate entrepreneurs

Don’t get me wrong – I take my hat off to anyone who can fashion a new idea, start a business, and successfully market it. But, despite this admiration (they’d be quick to call it envy), entrepreneurs are the most insufferable people that have ever talked at (rather than to) me.

Whether they’re Silicon Valley start-ups or working-from-home parents, today’s sort of entrepreneur (who’ve come out in droves since the financial crisis) all share one thing in common: an unabashed, smug elitism, placing themselves above the salaried peons. Their derision of the employed has become formulaic and rote, and I guarantee that any interview or blog post you find with one will have one of the following clichés.

The first one appears most frequently among those whose work involves spreading their own opinions: authors, bloggers, webcomic artists, journalists and the rest. They parrot the message of hard work (after all, they wouldn’t have got where they are today without it) as the only key to success. I can see you frowning and thinking, “but they’re right – hard work is necessary!” Of course it is, but what these braggart entrepreneurs fail to realise is that there’s another component just as important in success: luck.

Entrepreneurs seem to think that being employed is little better than being a slave.

The successful may have worked very hard for it, but how many who worked just as hard are left behind? After all, you don’t really think you’re here because of how good your A-level grades are, do you? Every musician bumped up to fame, each blogger who talks about the amount of hours they’ve hustled, the countless developers of one-hit-wonder smartphone apps: they all love to assure us that anyone could do what they did with enough hard work.

In reality? The numbers suggest otherwise: studies show that 8 out of 10 start-up businesses fail in the first three years. It’s hard to get an accurate figure for how many manuscripts become published books, but an optimistic estimate would be around 1 in 1000. This, of course, is not considering the people who have great ideas but due to money, family or other hardships, can’t even find the time to work on them. So, entrepreneurs, I’m happy that you’ve reached the top. But how many bodies did you climb over on your way there?

Next, there’s the childhood story. The entrepreneur probably didn’t do well in school – not because they’re unintelligent, you understand, but because the system just isn’t for them. They got by through cheating, stealing or plain blagging and, even worse, are willing to boast about this. After all, in a society geared to create mindless drone workers, these are skills that entrepreneurs need. Why bother learning maths when you can hire someone to do it all for you?

In their spare time, they were already practising their sales pitches. Everyone has a story. “When I was a kid, I’d paint snails’ shells and sell them to the other kids at school. When I noticed the red ones were more popular, I painted all of them red. Would you believe it? I already understood fashion at the age of 7!” or “when I was an adorable 5 year old with curly blonde locks, I’d go from door to door in my neighbourhood selling hand-made cards. Everyone bought one. Even then, I knew the value of making high-quality goods.” It’s sickening. Can you imagine a singer saying, “as a baby, I’d grab a pen and pretend it was a microphone. I must have just been destined to sing my entire life!”? When I was a child, I’d eat wax crayons. Clearly, my interest in long-chained hydrocarbons at such a tender age was what led me to study chemistry, right?

Finally, there’s the call to arms. “You too can cast off the shackles of your desk job, put your fingers up at the 40-hour week and chase your dreams!” Entrepreneurs seem to think that being employed is little better than being a slave. Granted, many people do feel this way, but there are a fair few who (would you believe it?) actually enjoy their jobs. There’s even more who do vital work, which can only be performed as part of a company. With a childlike understanding of businesses and economics, entrepreneurs sweep all of this under the rug. Unemployed, overworked or underpaid? Start a business! I’m sure all the other unemployed people would just love to take advantage of your new freelance decorating firm!

Some go further, and call for entrepreneurial skills to be taught in school, instead of useless subjects like maths and science. While I can’t deny that learning more real-world skills would be useful, I can only imagine in horror a future where 8 out of 10, if not more, young adults have just seen their beloved business idea, which they have cultivated their entire school lives, fail, leaving them jobless and with no real employable skills.

So, entrepreneurs, I’m happy for you. I wish you the best of luck, so long as I never have to hear about your success. Sartre said that hell is other people, but I’d agree only if those people are self-employed.