They are totally boots-iful

I’ve been thinking about boots recently… is the campest opener I could have written, but it’s true. I’ve thought about how amazing they are, and how everyone should have a pair. I mean trainers are fine, but they’re just not as versatile. If you want trainers, by the way, definitely go for NikeiD’s. You can make them reflect your personality a lot more, and waste a lot of time perfecting them. The knowledge that you could quite possibly be the only person with that pair of trainers is also key to their appeal. Even academics1 and business leaders2 have been known to wear them and think that they bestow large quantities of swagger.3 The idea of almost unlimited customisation is so good that other companies have stolen it, and, as we all know, it’s only the best ideas that are stolen.4 It is likely that that last joke will be deemed to in-jokey, and so I apologise.5

So, back to boots. The reason they are amazing is that they are simultaneously casual and comfortable while being smarter than your average trainer. You can wear them everyday, without looking overdressed for lectures; unlike normal shoes, which can end up looking incongruously formal with certain outfits.

To be slightly more specific, brown boots are definitely a must if you ask me (please understand that I am definitely not talking about Ugg boots, I cannot stress that enough). Pressed to give more detail, I would say that the slightly weathered dark brown variety are my personal favourite.

If I’m honest, I would advise you to get both black and brown boots. I just don’t want to be blamed for encouraging irresponsible spending.

Black boots are fine and can be worn with any pair of jeans, but they’re just more discrete and there’s not as much variation between different pairs. You may be able to wear them with a certain colour of jeans you like, but you sacrifice the range of choice that other boots can give you. If something’s black, it needs to be pretty special to be disguisable from something else that’s black. Well, okay, I may be exaggerating a bit, there is variation, but it’s hard to actually see until you’re up close. I’ll attempt to explain what I mean; at the distance between your head and someone’s shoes (the usual distance you see boots at) all black boots look pretty similar. 6 Even when, for me 7, that distance isn’t as far as I would like it to be.8 If I’m honest, I would advise you to get both black and brown boots. I just don’t want to be blamed for encouraging irresponsible spending.

When I was shopping around for boots, I went everywhere. I even went to the high-end shops, although, unfortunately, my student loan doesn’t really extend that far 9, so I was only looking to see what they would be like. To be honest, they weren’t anything special. They were either bland and uninspiring or just not what I was looking for (at a price I was never really willing to pay). In the end, I found that your standard high street shops really are the best bet. River Island is my personal favourite as they have a decent range of boots at a reasonable price tag. All Saints are okay, but they’re all over £100 for something you really can get elsewhere. Although, being a man, I’m slightly unsure of how much they should be. How do I know what’s a reasonable price for something that I’ve never paid for before? The only solution seems to be to shop around. Eventually, you will realise that, in general, All Saints are a rip off, and this isn’t limited to their boot section. Their boots also look as if they have been designed purely for the use of JLS and The Wanted.

In conclusion, go to River Island, buy a pair of boots and wear them with pride. Having re-read this, I feel I should do something manly. So, I’m off to drink pints and chant about my credentials as a Zulu warrior.10

References:

1. Dr M.R. Arbabzadah MA, my brother, and noted Classicist (noted here).
2. B. L. Arbabzadah MA, my other brother.
3. For claims of invention of swagger, see Jay-Z and Kanye West in ‘Otis’, Watch the Throne, 2011, Track 4.
4. Much like this referencing in a Comment article joke. See K. Shubber, Felix, Issue 1,426, Friday 27 February 2009, p.7
5. General feeling gathered from previous conversations with K. Shubber.
6. The link to this reference is missing. Try searching Google Scholar.
7. See pictures of me next to other people.
8. Preferably roughly 6ft, due to conversations with girls over the past few years.
9. See bank balance of T. N. Arbabzadah.
10. Note: This is a reference to chanting performed when someone is downing their drink.11
11. This note is added for the benefit of a fashion editor. Let’s call her A. Yang, no, wait, that’s too obvious, let’s call her Alice Y.
12. N.B. Other punny titles that could have been used: Call me Bootsie Collins, What am I talking a-boot (I’m not Canadian, so that may not really have worked as well), Putting the boots in, Knocking boots.