What a dick–tator

President Mubarak is currently in quite a mess and just about clinging on to power. The government resigned, on his request, and a new one has formed and held talks with opposition parties about the constitution. Mubarak has even banned some members of the political elite from travelling abroad. I assume a similar ban is imposed on people living in Birmingham, otherwise that place would be a ghost town, but I digress. The point is, I think it’s a fairly non–controversial statement to say that Egypt’s president Mubarak is currently under fire. By which I mean metaphorically, don’t worry; you didn’t miss anything big on YouTube.

There has been widespread violence between demonstrators and the authorities. UN General Secretary Ban Ki-moon has weighed in on this saying: "I once again urge restraint to all the sides. An unacceptable situation is happening. Any attack against the peaceful demonstrators is fucking unacceptable and I strongly condemn the fuck out of it. For fuck’s sake Egypt, first Tunisia now this. Oh and to add to this the shit’s really hitting the fan in Yemen. Can’t I just get one day off! That’s all I’m asking, this shit is stressful. I’m off to scream into a pillow and cry if anyone needs me. Which I’m sure they fucking well will judging by the last few days." That isn’t a 100% accurate direct quote; the swearing and last few sentences were just implied.

Mubarak has been a dictator for years. So long, that it’s a miracle he doesn’t have a moustache yet

Mubarak has been a dictator for years. So long, that it’s a miracle he doesn’t have a moustache yet. The facial hair worn exclusively by dictators and people in London who think they are edgy and different (ie. exclusively dickheads). He reached the point where gigantic posters of him are all over the place; must have cost an absurd amount of printing credits. That may be hard to picture for us – just think of David Cameron before the election but with, hopefully, less airbrushing.

He recently gave an interview with ABC news. During this he said that he would "never run away" and that he "will die on this soil." Perhaps, more correctly, he will die on the expensive Italian marble that he obtained using money that should have been used elsewhere. This quote could be seen as a dig at former Tunisian President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali, who fled to Dubai during the recent protests. I highly doubt Ben Ali will care though. It’s not like the two will get into a viscous twitter feud. Mainly because Ben Ali probably does not remotely miss power due to his massive personal fortune. Reports say his wife took out 1.5 tonnes of gold, worth about £38 million, from the bank before leaving. That really is some absolutely textbook corruption. In the slightly altered words of another recently deposed figure, Andy Gray, take a bow ma’am. Saying that, roughly half will be used to pay the extra baggage fee when she flew out so it’s not as much as you think.

Mubarak thinks that if he leaves now it would be ‘chaos’. I think it’s safe to assume he doesn’t read newspapers or even look outside his window. He clearly means that, you know, riots, protestors being killed, that shit would go down without him. Luckily he’s still there so none of that is happening. On that note, the protestors said they would storm the presidential palace if he doesn’t resign. They say that, but I had a look on Facebook and most people responded ‘maybe attending.’ We all know that’s code for one of a) ‘I’ll decide on the day but probably won't’, b) ‘I’m not attending but am too polite to click not attending’.

The interview wasn’t all impassionate rhetoric. He actually seemed a bit blasé about the whole being in power thing. He stated that he is "fed up" and that he has "had enough" and wants to go. I guess after many years doing the same job it must all be a bit samey. The thing is, being a dictator is like a pet. It’s for life, not just for Christmas. He needs to remember that everyone loves an underdog, he should listen to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and run up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. At this point, it seems that he is not going to run for office in the next election, which is due in September. He found time to mention his son in the interview, saying "I never intended Gamal to be president after me". I’m guessing he is like my dad; being president isn’t good enough, if his son isn’t a doctor or a lawyer he is a failure (by the way I do Chemistry). His son was actually sitting in the room with him at the time, but didn’t say anything – probably on Facebook scanning the pro–Mubarak rally events for hotties.