Elections never won

The last article I wrote was about Mubarak and he resigned when it came out. Not saying it was all me but coincidences like that don’t happen. So now I’m going to hope my curse can help two other countries.

Question: What do Ivory Coast and Belgium have in common? Answer: both are without a stable government. In fact Belgium has been without a real government for longer, over 200 days. A well known Belgian actor Benoit Poelvoorde has urged men not to shave until a permanent government is formed. A Belgian senator, Marleen Temmerman, has gone to more extreme lengths saying wives should impose a sex ban on MPs until a government is formed, Male Belgian MPs should direct queries to Jacqui Smith’s husband for tips on handling, no pun intended, the situation. Definitely worth noting that the senator was female, no matter how desperate they are for a resolution, no man would ever call for that. Although I also note she mentioned MPs and not senators – clever move. No specific mentions on what type either so I’m sure there is a loophole somewhere. Perhaps Benoit Poelvoorde (he was in Man Bites Dog and Coco before Chanel) and the Senator are working together. They both have a beard fetish and like to be teased, it’s the perfect crime.

The Belgian election was in June and no one gained a majority or came to an agreement on a permanent coalition. If Belgium doesn’t get their act together by March 30th they will actually have a world record. They will have gone the longest since an election without forming a government, beating Iraq. That’s right, longer than Iraq. If having to go without sex for a long time isn’t a motivator. The thought of beating Iraq at what is essentially an arguing contest must be enough to get everyone to agree on something. Likely starting with the immediate blacklisting of Marleen Temmerman.

Elsewhere, Ivory Coast is at a stalemate. With dramatic uprisings elsewhere it has been pushed fairly low down the news agenda. The election consisted of a first round where no outright winner was produced and so entered a second round. International observers described the election as ‘generally fair.’ Take into account that it is part of their job to be diplomatic, and that becomes the faintest praise possible. Both the incumbent Laurent Gbagbo and opposition Alassane Ouattara are claiming victory and have named their cabinets. By that I mean political cabinets not that they have simultaneously become attached to their furniture.

They aren’t people who are going to enter a power sharing agreement – I checked and they defriended each other on Facebook. The international community is recognising Alassane Ouattara as the President and Laurent Gbagbo is recognising Laurent Gbagbo as President. Gbagbo is reminding me of a spoilt child. He hates losing, has locked himself inside his office and is refusing to come out. Gordon Brown should have tried that. Meanwhile, Ouattara is under UN guard at a five star hotel. So maybe Ouattara doesn’t actually want a resolution to this situation. ‘Oh no, this is terrible. Someone in the International Community help, I’m stuck here in this 5 star resort. Got to go; I’m late for my massage, I mean my meeting, I still REALLY want to be President. Honest.’ If he can drag this out long enough he’ll be in line for some serious reward points.

A bizarre situation occurred when the results of 3 out of 18 of the countries regions were about to be announced. The election commission spokesman was about to read them out when Damana Adia Pickass (I promise you that is his real last name) snatched the results and tore them up. Mr Pickass (stop laughing) claimed there had been some ‘electoral hold up.’ More precisely he held up the results and, on camera, tore them up. All of this occurred in front of a room full of journalists who were ‘asked’ to leave. The results weren’t read out that day. So they only printed out one copy of the extremely important document containing the election results? No printers around at all in the building? Not one! We have a shitload in the library but they don’t have one in a governmental building. Forget that for a second and think of this. It was a runoff between two people, 3 regions were being announced – so that’s 6 numbers to remember. It’s like an exam. Later Gbagbo said that not all of the results had been read out and so the result was not valid, therefore he won. Well of course they weren’t read out; as previously established, you got someone to rip them up.

The full results are inconclusive. Both sides are saying the other has been rigging the election. In all likelihood both sides were. That must be what hurts most for the loser. You couldn’t even win when you were cheating; it’s like being an athlete in the 80’s. African nations have met to try to decide what should be done. They have been pressured to intervene but that is extremely unlikely to happen. The main problem is that some of the leaders at the summit were not exactly as fairly elected as they should have been. The meeting, which took place on the 1st of February, concluded with the decision that they should give themselves a deadline of 1 month to think of something. Here was me worried they would end up just doing fuck all but wait and hope for the best. They had better pull an epic all nighter at the end of February. Maybe as February is shorter than other months, if they aren’t ready, they will do what I would and say they meant 30 days not calendar months. We will all have to wait to see how these two situations end. I don’t know about you but I think I would rather be Ouattara than a Belgian MP right now. I can’t wait for Belgium to open Parliament set to tune of The Lonely Island and Akon’s ‘I Just Had Sex’.