Murrayfail

Andy Murray may have made his name as a great British and mediocre international tennis player but when it comes to fending off burglars (otherwise known as false alarms) he really ought to leave it to the pros. Kim Sears, his girlfriend, questions Murray’s decision to defend her honour with a tennis racket...

Murray: I was just lying in bed when I realised that there was a burglar trying to attack my girlfriend. My racket was obviously my weapon of choice. Haven’t you seen what I can do with that thing?

Kim: No way is a racket any use against a burglar. What were you thinking Andy?

Murray: I was thinking I’d catch him off guard with a good smash, rather than my signature dropshot that I always use even though Rafa and Roger can reach it, no problem.

Kim: First it was all that Playstation and now it’s tennis. I’ve had enough of your frolicking. You say it’s your life but when you gonna win one of the big tournaments?

Murray: That’s not what you were saying last night, remember? About how you were going to give me my first grand slam? That was the whole reason my racket was in bed in the first place!

Kim: Yeah, well what applies in role-play doesn’t apply IRL. For example, last night I was actually picturing your big bro.

Murray: What!? I’m defo superior to Jamie.

Kim: Well, at least he’s won Wimbledon.

Murray: But that was only doubles - I work alone baby. And it was MIXED doubles at that! Everyone knows women’s tennis is just a glorified fashion show.

As overheard by Alex Nowbar