Go get your hustle on. For science

Hello, aspiring scientists. Cave Johnson here.

As founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I’ve been invited by Felix to write about the glamorous lifestyle that awaits you all as attractive, well-paid and influential scientists. Considering the fact that most of you will end up working as drones for money-grabbing suits in the city, who wouldn’t know the thrill of scientific endeavour if a time-travelling Einstein told them the secret of eternal life, this should be quite a short article.

Instead, I want to talk to you about the rat-race that is scientific progress, and why we need as many able-bodied scientists as possible. Last week, I gave the boys down in the lab a bunch of contracts to sign, allowing us to use their bodies for some reanimation tests. All I got back was some speech about their human rights, but what about your rights? Don’t you and your children have a right to a better life if these tests prove that a concentrated solution of kitten tears is able to repair dead cells?

As a result, my lawyer keeps calling me, saying that I shouldn’t be slowly filling their lab with water, but what does he know — he even says I shouldn’t be admitting this to you. He’s not like you and me. He’s not a scientist.

What good are all the letters at the end of your name if you can’t even escape from a room slowly filling with water? This is survival of the brightest in action, and we’ll have more subjects for testing this way. If they didn’t say no, it’s implied consent.

Don’t you have a right to a better life if these tests prove that a concentrated solution of kitten tears is able to repair dead cells?

Now don’t get me wrong — I couldn’t get to where I am today without the boys in the lab, and they could not have a more satisfying job. Where else can the outcome of testing the theory behind Schrodinger’s cat result in a horde of un-killable kittens (which was coincidentally the start of our reanimation tests)? Certainly not Black Mesa, I can tell you! My contacts tell me that Black Mesa is like kindergarten — lots of crayons and people who steal your ideas. Seriously now, don’t go there. Please.

To contribute to science, you don’t have to sign your life away, or even the rights to your body parts. Even if you just participate in some tests with us at Aperture, someone somewhere will thank you for your contribution to science. But not me — I only thank those who are married to science. Don’t you want to be able to say that you helped dissect the science behind cuteness, or developed the cure to stupidity?

Well, just as a heads up, I’ve been in contact with the college and the kitchen staff, and we’ve settled on a deal. As students, we know how much you love free things, so we’re going to be giving you all some vouchers to use in your JCR, and over the next few weeks we’re going to be adding a bunch of chemicals to the food that you eat on campus. I can’t even pronounce half of the stuff we’re pouring into the coffee alone, so this is groundbreaking stuff. Don’t worry — the boys in the lab were pretty sure that what you will be eating and drinking isn’t toxic. That’s why you’re doing the tests to check. There may be some minor side effects, such as an urge to procrastinate, or not get any work done, but it shouldn’t be too serious. You get free food and can contribute to science, so it’s smiles all around!

If you also experience the development of superpowers, spontaneous combustion or are abducted by aliens, then that’s probably not us, but something to tell your grandkids! Let us know anyway.

On the other hand, if you become hard of hearing, start coughing up blood, or develop a case of death, you probably ate some of the food intended for the staff. That’s not a problem – just let a test associate know, and we’ll fix you up, good and proper. If you want to get even more vouchers, there’s the opportunity to try some new methods we’ve got for re-growing organs. The procedure is painless, mainly as we have to remove your head from the rest of your body first. Initial tests on worms look promising.

If you have any questions for me, then Caroline is waiting to take your telegrams. Send your questions to games.felix@imperial.ac.uk with the subject “Ask Cave” and we’ll get right to it.

Get your hustle on. For science.