One night, in Gem bar

Undercover reporting allows for the scythe of truth to cut through wrongdoings like a wieldy knife through butter. Corruption can be unmasked! Bureaucracy criticized! All with a single tap of the keyboard, preferably followed by several more. But how could one possibly decide what deserving targets to strike? The answer, in this case, was determined by the fact that there was nothing better to do on Tuesday night. The fickle finger of fate fell upon the RCSU Autumn Ball, held at Soho’s Gem Bar.

What deadly secrets would the event be hiding? None, it turns out.

For the uninitiated out there, all students of the natural sciences belong to the Royal College of Science Union, or RCSU. The Autumn Ball marked one of the ongoing festivities of its ‘Freshers’ Fortnight’, which concluded with its ‘Buddies Bar Night’ on Thursday. But anyway, to business. Was it worth it?

The RCSU has undoubtedly had somewhat of a legacy in the past year or two, racking up events with astronomical bar tabs. Could the new committee compete? With three free drinks on offer for a £12 ticket, it certainly allowed for easy mingling to find out just what people thought of the event themselves. Luckily I’d been to a networking event earlier in the evening – ironically, of course. Armed with a repertoire of buzzwords and catchphrases that would make Roy Walker balk, my newly acquired skills in jargon and my own sheer natural charisma saw me through.

I avoided asking certain individuals about what they studied or what year they were in, but instead went far more profound, offering such scintillating brainteasers designed to stimulate and evoke a deep response. “What do YOU hope to gain from tonight’s event?” “What do YOU think about the economy?” The questions flowed and the answers ranged from “What do you mean?” to “I can’t hear you,” due to the music. (Top marks for remembering to have music, RCSU folks! I literally cannot fault the fact that there was music in a club environment.)

While some events in the past have been a bit crowded, the choice of venue this time was definitively spacious. In the words of Another compatriot remarked that it was “pretty big.”

And yet… and yet the opening strains of R Kelly’s seminal classic ‘Bump n’ Grind’ were cruelly snatched away by a far less musically interesting composition. Seeking solace away from this crushing disappointment, I ventured outside.

The RCSU’s perennial fire engine Jezebel turned up to offer rides around the Soho backstreets to interested parties, and then drove off by midnight, presumably because it was past its bedtime. “It was great riding it and all but I thought we were going to head down Oxford Street at 60mph,” complained a second year Biochemistry student, demonstrating a clear lack of knowledge about speed limits.

Events took a sour turn when my freshly pressed chinos suffered the misfortune of coming into contact with what could, in retrospect, have been a pile of salt, judging by the hideous white mark I found on them on the bus back. How a pile of salt wound its way into such an establishment will undoubtedly remain a mystery, but I implore the committee to investigate ways to prevent this kind of mishap from happening again.

I could say that the event was life-affirming, but unfortunately I’m not studying for a degree in hyperbole. It was the one below life-affirming. Two thumbs up.