ICUAFC’s Maraud into Europe

IC football prepared for a Saturday morning 7am flight in the only way it knew how: by consuming pint after pint in the Union on the last night of term. We hadn’t even left the Union before B-Eth-Eth (Milo McGrath) had fallen victim to one of Asterix’s (Charles Gassuer) concoctions. After finishing in the Union we all come to the logical conclusion that it was much better to stay awake through the night than let a hangover set in…

The real first match of tour was played in London Victoria station between American Psycho (Ben Aldrich) and whoever else could be arsed. It happened to be a real cagey affair, with neither team really looking to pounce on the opposition’s mistakes. Strangers would occasionally have complete disregard for the game and walk straight through it, before a member of the security team politely asked us to stop, which we reluctantly did. With the energy of amoebas we managed to make it into Munich. B-eth-eth threw up on the flight, purely due to his chronic travel sickness and nothing to do with prior activities.

The first day was spent in Munich’s picturesque Englischer Garten and some casual shirts vs skins action was played out here before we headed back to the hostel to begin the night’s activities. Tour matchbox began in the hostel, this led to a casual descent into mayhem when all deaths were punishable by beer bong.

Munich has a smorgasbord of touristy things for IC football to wade around. The 1972 Olympic Park was the first port of call on Sunday, and being of huge sentimental value the beer bong had to come with. We moved onto the BMW museum before deciding to sample Munich’s real selling point – beer gardens. Having grown bored of using it in the usual old 2 person fashion it was time for some freestyle bonging, with the Usain Bong and the Culture Bong being a few highlights. It should be noted at this point that Fett-und-Kahl (Jonny Hill) decided to disappear for 40 minutes, managing to avoid beer and spend some quality time with solitaire on his phone.

At the hostel the triumphant thrashing of Italy by Spain in the Euro 2012 final was viewed before the night descended into chaos in Munich’s Kultfabrik region, a place that proclaims itself to be the ‘biggest party zone in Europe’. It soon became clear though that this was a lie. Brown 0.5 (James Brown) was particularly successful with a lady on this night as a result of shouting “FITTING HELL” in the vague direction of large gangs of women, thus proving the theory that if you throw enough shit at the wall some of it will stick. Fett-und-Kahl can verify Brown 0.5’s romantic activities.

After taking a trip to the Allianz Arena (the setting of Chelsea’s heroics in the Champion’s League just a few weeks prior) we had our first official game of football against FC E-Garten. Finding the ground proved a real challenge for the otherwise very capable and well organised Twat-Sec (Giles Mann). The job was made all the easier when the entire team, following behind him (Kony looking like a fictional character) resolved to shout continuously: “Giles, where are we going?”

Looking dishevelled Poppins tried to psych us up for the game with a warm-up fit for a Royal Marine squadron. Once we’d satisfied his appetite for craning, it was time to offer the lungs a little warm up too, and before long we felt ready to start the game.

We passed scruffily from the off. The selected starting eleven consisted of players from the 6’s through to the 1’s and even a couple of Old boys. With none of us having played properly since the season finished last March, the team struggled to think the same game and gel as a unit. A particularly tired Dry Nights (Jack Peacock) was getting uncharacteristically ragged at left back and FC E-Garten managed to find some space and capitalise when he was out of position for an earlier opener.

Come half time E-Garten had managed to net again and some substitutions were needed. Among the squad of 20 there were 5 keepers and this didn’t exactly lend itself to making textbook substitutions, although on the whole the keepers turned out to be a pleasant surprise: Framp-stains (Pete Frampton) creating space and making some good runs up front; Gollum (Dave Docherty) keeping the ball well in midfield. Letting the keepers union down was Twat-Sec who had less than zero effect on the game.

Sadly the theme of shabby football continued throughout the game and a third and fourth goal were soon conceded. After a shot from an E-Garten forward rebounded off the post it was clear that Kony (Bolly), having dived to his left to try and save the shot, was not going to get up. Unfortunately, lying face down in the goalmouth was not a strategy that stopped another E-Gartner tapping in the rebound.

Small consolation did come in the final minutes though when Fett und Kahl played a delectable spread to Gump (Chris Neilsen), who received, went on a mazy run, beat multiple players and finally put it on a plate for club captain Fry-sexual (Tom Fryatt) to slot home. Despite the day’s losses, the last night in Munich descended into havoc. Kony introduced some primal box to the night’s delights with Dry Nights setting a new record for how long it took him to get put to bed.

The final leg of tour was in Prague – a much more walkable city. On the way, The Airborne Rangers entertained themselves for the 7 hour coach journey with nothing but a microphone and their own wit. The first night in Prague produced an event of epic proportion: the impromptu 3 hour IC football dance off. Debate still rages on about which side actually won but in my opinion when it comes to dance-offs it really is the taking part that counts.

Unfortunately, playing in the Great Strahov stadium (capacity 240,000 – fraction full 0%) was not enough to inspire the tour team to victory the next. Another disappointing performance led to a scoreline of 4-1, but not without its own notable moments…

After being named ‘super-sub’ for coming on at centre back and immediately conceding from a corner, Poppins (Tim Smithy Beasley) redeemed himself by playing a delicious ball over the top for Framp-stains (Pete Frampton) to run onto and slot it in the back of the net. By contrast, Fatthew (Matt Can) produced a piece of football which defied belief and won him player of tour when he let the ball through his legs, beat a man, then went on a 40 yard run down the left wing. Having put so much effort in to the prior 6 seconds he decided to end the run by falling over.

Nights 5, 6 & 7 descended into anarchy, pandemonium and carnage respectively. Other highlights of Prague included topping the world charts at the self-service pub, the goddess of the cave, silentbox and hat-gate.

Thanks everyone for coming. A special thanks to Twat-Sec for organising everything, albeit at the last minute.