Pick-up artistry & arseholery

Single? Virgin? Afraid to admit this because Felix told you you should quit whining about it, so now you just keep it all bottled up inside and wank while you cry yourself to sleep at night? Don’t worry, you’re not alone! Er, sorry, you are alone, but this is Imperial, and there’s a lot of other people out there just like you.

So, what are you going to do about it? You know you’ve got to get out there and pick up chicks, but none of your three A*s were in social skills. You made some bad first impressions and now all the girls in halls think you’re the “weird one,” so you just keep making awkward chit-chat in the kitchen while even the guys who play D&D hook up. You turnto the internet (it’s never let you down before!), fire up Chrome in incognito mode and, fingers shaking, type in “seduction techniques.”

Welcome to the world of the pick-up artist, or PUA. These communities of self-styled experts – part salesman, part con artist, part sex offender – teach AFCs (that’s “average frustrated chumps” – guys like you) secrets of the “game.” Their techniques, they say, will teach you to be a pro womaniser in no time, and some of them are even giving out the advice for free! Like any good Imperial scientist/engineer (delete as appropriate) you’re sceptical, but these guys’ FRs (field reports) talk about them getting #-closes and f-closes all the time (that’s, er “number close” and “fuck close”); there’s got to be some truth to it, right? These methods are pretty much just lessons in being an annoying twat, because we all know girls just love to date assholes. Let’s have alook!

“WTF, PUA, HB#, LMR, OFWGKTA” – the PUA world is filled with acronyms. Women aren’t “women,” they’re HBs (hot babes) rated from 1 to 10. AFOG is the alpha female of group, like Regina George (watch Mean Girls if that’s lost on you: seriously) and if one of these has a relationship with a guy who doesn’t need “this one weird old tip to get laid!” he’s a BBF – beta boyfriend. Most sickeningly, there’s LMR. That’s “last minute resistance” from a girl, for which there’s countless guides to overcoming, or “forcing” your way through. There’s another word for that. Here’s a clue: it begins with R and Felix commenters won’t shut up about it.

The neg. Oh, the infamous neg. This is where you give a girl backhanded compliments to lower her self-esteem to the point where she’ll sleep with even a guy like you. Oh, wait, apparently it “brings the woman (especially very attractive women, who are used to getting compliments) down a notch and shows that the PUA is not overawed by her beauty. Second, it creates a bit of a challenge, so, if the woman is at all interested, she will start chasing the PUA and trying to win his approval.” Yeah, I’m sure the ladies will be hot on your tails after you ask them if their shoes are from Primark. The usual response to this is known as the “fuck off, jerk!”

Peacocking – this is the art of wearing a daring and unusual piece of clothing to make you stand out. There’s some truth to this, but what PUA guides fail to tell you is that it really hinges on having a sense of style. PUA guru “Mystery,” with his eyeliner and fluffy top hat, looks like a rejected extra from an Adam Ant video. Funny? Kinda. Sexy? Let’s just say that James Bond hasn’t worn a hat since 1973 for a reason. Your “classy” fedora you’ve bought to go with your cargo shorts and Trivium t-shirt isn’t fooling anyone.

A great blogger once said on the topic of friendzoning that “women aren’t machines that you put kindness coins into until you get sex.” Women aren’t machines that can be reprogrammed to give you sex for free, either. Bear that in mind next time you go “sarging” and trying out your “game” stammering out awful pick-up lines in Metric. Tell you what, try one on me and if it’s pathetic enough, I might just buy you a drink out of pity. Oh, you’re negging me? Why yes, actually, my top is second-hand, just like everything that comes out of your mouth.

Yeah, so some people can bully and coerce women into giving out their numbers, but that’s no way to form a meaningful relationship. The sooner you realise that there’s no magic trick that’s going to get you into a girl’s pants, the sooner you might start talking naturally to people – you might even get into a girl’s pants. Ciao!