Shit films I love (or why I shouldn’t be a Film Editor...)

I was recently challenged to rate every film I have ever seen. Apart from being a shockingly huge task, it also threw up a massive problem. Because there are incredible films for every emotion. And of course there are some God-awful films too – less said about these the better. The problem I have is,that there are some terrible films that I adore. Films that I willwatch over and over in secret; films that I suspect everyone loves but is ashamed to admit. Well, since nobody ever thought I was cool, and since my taste in film is already universally known to be dodgy; consider this my official confession.

The Fog (1980)

The original,not the waste-of-oxygen Wainwright remake. Inhabitants of a coastal town fall victim to their troubled history. 100 years earlier, six of the town’s founders deliberately sank a boat, using its cargo to build the town, and killing all the sailors aboard. On the towns centennial, a glowing fog rolls into town, containing the zombie sailors, who kill six of the town’s residents to settle the score. For 80s horror this isn’t bad, and was John Carpenter’s first film after Halloween, which was released a couple of years earlier (also starring Jamie Lee Curtis). It is undeniably low budget: the glowing fog looks more school disco than supernatural, the gore is unrealistic, and close-up shots of the zombies reveal less than perfect prosthetics; however, I still find the film utterly terrifying. The zombie threat is understated, playing more on the fear of the unknown than explicit threat, and the score is fantastic (unusual for cheap horror) contributing to an absorbing and intense experience. This is classic independent horror – Carpenter should never have agreed to the 2005 remake, which featured the incompetent acting ‘talents’ of Tom Welling and Maggie Grace, and while had superior effects, could not compete with the original.

Top Gun (1986)

I was recently asked to explain the plot to a backwards friend who hasn’t seen the film. He couldn’t understand why I’d included it in the list, as it scores in all the right areas – Tom Cruise, fighter jets, fatal accidents and plenty of faux-macho behaviour. In fact, it was the highest grossing film of 1986, and caused an influx of Navy recruits after its release. When Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell (Cruise) and his wingman Goose are sent to the Navy’s Fighter Weapons School, Maverick falls for his female teacher, and overcomes crippling doubts after Goose is tragically killed in a training accident. This film is completely and unashamedly inaccurate – the main source of criticism is its lack of realism, but that simply doesn’t matter to me. Top Gun is about bromance, being as camp as humanly possible, and flying awesome planes. And again, the nine times platinum soundtrack is one of the most popular OSTs ever, featuring the Oscar winning “Take My Breath Away”. But none of that can save it from its relentlessly awful lines, continuous shower scenes, and the distinct impression that if the Village People rocked up at naval base, it would look a little something like Top Gun.

Crocodile Dundee (1986)

Mick Dundee, a less shit version of Bear Grylls, falls in love with a New York journalist when he shows her around the Australian outback for an article she is writing about him. He rescues her from the jaws of a crocodile, and she brings him back to New York, where Dundee struggles to fit in with cosmopolitan life. This film is hilariously terrible; full of cliches and cheesy moments, and so inauthentic I’m sure no Australian has ever watched it. Nonetheless, Crocodile Dundee is a firm favourite of mine because it is charming, adventure packed and has some spectacular so-bad-they’re-good lines.

The Bodyguard (1992)

The soundtrack to this film is the business – an homage to Whitney Houston, featuring it’s title track and epic “I Will Always Love You”, “Run To You” plus dud “Queen of the Night” (what was Houston thinking?). Houston plays Rachel, (essentially playing herself), a famous singer and actress who comes into desperate need of a bodyguard (Kevin Costner) after it emerges she has a stalker with motivation to kill her. In the film’s closing scenes, Costner takes a bullet for Houston as she collects her Oscar (she wishes) in slow motion – the original VHS I owned of this film eventually wore out at this part because I replayed it so often. Shockingly bad acting from nearly all involved aside, no amount of shunning can take away from this film’s appeal. This said, I’m in no rush to see it on stage (it’s musical version comes to the West End this month), as without the chemistry between Costner and Houston, not to mention the unrivalled vocals of the female lead, the story would be dead in the water.

Speed (1994)

Keanu Reeves can’t act. He tries his best, but he has no discernible talent. He is expressionless, monotonous and delivers his lines like a priest giving a eulogy. His only saving grace in this film is, and it’s quite a considerable saving grace, his beautiful face and hot body. If only his role as Jack, NYPD cop with a penchant for throwing himself off fast moving objects, was a silent one. When a madman rigs a bus with a bomb that will explode when the bus’s speed dips below 50mph, Jack, with the help of Gracie (Sandra Bullock again) at the wheel, fight to save the lives of the passengers aboard. The film does have some good action sequences, but peaks too early –the lift scenes at the start are probably the best, and should have been better developed.

Jumanji (1995)

Every 90s kid should know what this is – if you don’t, what were you doing? Not watching the most awesome film probably ever made, that’s for sure. For the deprived, Robin William’s younger self is sucked into a supernatural game, Jumanji, and transported to a distant jungle. Years later, a couple of orphans find the game, bring Williams, who by now resembles Tarzan, back into the present day, along with a host of CGI jungle animals that at the time, I was convinced were real (watching now, the effects are pretty poor, but it doesn’t matter.) The orphans, Williams, and his original game opponent, play the game against the odds to send the jungle creatures back to the jungle. I love this film because it packs in endless adventure and imagination. Escapism in a film, original, and my childhood all wrapped into 100 minutes of pure comedy gold. Even now, when rolling a dice, I privately recite the immortal warning: “In the jungle, you must wait, until you roll a five or eight”.

Space Jam (1996)

Again, if you were born in the 90s you should know this film like the back of your hands. Starring NBA star Michael Jordan and the cast of the Looney Tunes, this part sports comedy part animation extravaganza is a film I’m not ashamed to admit I love. A band of animated alien terrorists, The Nerdlucks, try to kidnap the Looney Tunes, in a desperate plot to save their tanking theme-park, Moron Mountain. A bargain is struck for their release – the aliens, being tiny, are challenged to a game of basketball – but they have a trick up their sleeves. The Nerdlucks steal the sporting talents of the 1996 NBA championship team, and transform into giant basketball playing machines. To help them win, the Tunes recruit a recently retired Jordan, and together they eventually defeat the team of evil aliens, propelling Jordan back into the NBA (in real life too). The animation is classic Warner Bros, the script is hilariously cheesy, and the soundtrack is brilliant, going six times platinum and featuring R. Kelly’s best song “I Believe I Can Fly”. Space Jam was pretty much panned by the critics, but was a massive success despite the poor reviews.

Parent Trap (1998)

Back in the days of video-stores, I requested this remake so many times my parents could have paid for its production (probably). Lindsay Lohan plays identical twins Hallie and Annie, separated when their parents divorced and moved to separate sides of the world. The twins meet for the first time at holiday camp, and cunningly switch places without their parents knowledge in a secret plot to reunite the family. This film has some great characters, funny script and a really great soundtrack. Lohan is super cute (what happened?), although nowadays I find the mirroring and doubles used to create the twins annoying. There is a lot of blatant stereotyping going on, and the plot is predictable; but it transports me straight back to childhood with its wholesome light-hearted goodness.

Notting Hill (1999)

I would never have put this in the ‘terrible’ category until I recently discovered nobody outside my immediate family rates this film. I actually think it’s pretty special – and the scene that sees Hugh Grant walking through Notting Hill as the seasons change, set to Bill Withers’ “Ain’t No Sunshine” is one of my favourite ever scenes. With screenplay by Richard Curtis, who also wrote Four Weddings and a Funeral (another excellent and probably widely loathed film), a kick-ass soundtrack, my secret fantasy cast (Julia Roberts, Hugh Grant, Rhys Ifans, Gina Mckee and Hugh Bonneville); I’m still perplexed as to why this film is bad. Simple plot: bumbling, foppish (who else would Grant play?) English bookshop owner meets the most famous woman in the world, American actress Anna Scott (Julia Roberts, playing herself, probably); and they fall in and out of love. But the really special parts are played by Grant’s posse of eccentric friends; not least by Ifans, whose inappropriate costumes throughout are worth watching alone. And the Costello cover of “She” recorded for the opening credits? Whenever I hear it I know that I will continue to watch and re-watch this gem of a film.

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

Featuring the immortal Samuel L Jackson line, “things are going to get a whole lot worse”, delivered just before he gets ripped apart by a shark on ‘roids. A group of scientists decide that what giant sharks, as if they weren’t scary enough, are really lacking is brains. A few freaky experiments later, and the sharks get clever and team up to sink the rig housing the group of moron scientists and one token black chef (LL Cool J). Spoiler: basically everyone gets eaten. Some really awful special effects, overdramatic lines, and physical impossibilities make this film simultaneously shit as well as brilliant. Because who doesn’t enjoy the sight of absolute idiots being mauled by super-cunning creatures with three rows of razor sharp teeth?

Miss Congeniality (2000)

I’m a sucker for transformation films, and not in an Optimus Prime way. An uncouth Sandra Bullock plays FBI agent Gracie Hart, who goes undercover in order to stop a domestic terrorist plot to attack the 75th Miss United States beauty pageant. Bullock is transformed from disgusting slob to poised beauty who still manages to kick some terrorist arse even while wearing massive heels and a tiara. Bullock should never have been in this film, because frankly she’s too good an actress: the story was pretty awful and a lot of the acting dire. Nonetheless, Miss Congeniality is funny despite its predictability; and saw Bullock nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Actress.

Save the Last Dance (2001)

Dance movies are universally cliche. This one is no exception – ballerina Sara (Julia Stiles) encounters a personal tragedy and vows never to dance again. She moves to the black part of town, and falls in love with hip-hop dancer Derek (Sean Patrick Thomas), as well as with dance again. Rife with racial stereotypes, this film tries to hard to be something it isn’t. That aside, it features some inventive dance routines; and as far as dance movies go, a fairly involving storyline.

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

More Samuel L Jackson comedy gold. Pretty self explanatory – hundreds of deadly snakes get released into an airborne plane with the intent of crashing it. The graphics were poor, the acting was poor, the struggles with obviously rubber snakes ridiculous, but none of that mattered. Just stupid, gory fun.

27 Dresses (2008)

This sounds like a trashy rom-com nightmare – and to be fair it has all the components. Katherine Heigl, vacuous storyline, the inappropriate crush, the obvious husband material, and more weddings than a Moonie ceremony. It is horrendously predictable; and some of the characters are so underdeveloped they could just be made of cardboard and nobody would notice, but despite all that, I still love it and watch it. Heigl plays a serial bridesmaid in love with her boss, George, who falls in love with her slutty sister Tess, (never before has a character ignited such burning hatred in me). Heartbroken, Heiglfalls into the arms of the true man of her dreams (James Marsden, so hot) but not before sabotaging her sister’s wedding. My love of Heigl knows no bounds: if she’s in it, I will give it a go; and the steady stream of hideous bridesmaid dresses and wedding plannage satisfies the occasional cravings I have for low brow, thoughtless entertainment. Plus, a drunken, appallingly-sung rendition of one of my all time favourite songs “Bennie and the Jets” secures its place in my secret-love list.

Jurassic Park IV (2014)

OK, so this hasn’t actually been made yet, but when it does it will almost certainly go into this category. Dinosaur DNA gets mixed with human, creating fantastic dino-man hybrids with guns. This sounds TOTALLY AWESOME. And let’s face it, the franchise lost all credibility after the third film anyway.