Virtual dating for those despondent Valentines
Once more Valentine’s Day rolls around, and once more my evening date is a bottle of vodka and video games. The result? Tongue-in-cheek dating profiles for video game females. I may need to kick the habit
Alyx Vance (HL2 Series)
From: City 17
The Good: Feisty yet incredibly practical action girl with energy and brains to spare.
The Bad: Packs heat. On no account leave the relationship on a sour note.
Mr Right: Prefers the strong, silent nerdy type. Having a PhD in theoretical physics is a plus.
If you’re looking for the best of both worlds, brains and beauty, then Miss Alyx Vance is your best bet. Growing up on a Combine-occupied Earth has moulded her into a technical whizz quite capable of holding herself in a fire fight, all the while keeping her looks intact. She lives for the moment, because you never know when the next Hunter strike is a-coming.
Those wanting a simple life may wish to steer clear however. Expect to be running to keep up with her, both physically and mentally, never settling down for too long. Alyx certainly isn’t one to take the easy route through life, and whilst she’ll come back for you no matter what, it can make for an exhausting relationship.
Samus Aran (Metroid Series)
From: Zebes
The Good: Has a great body and gorgeous looks.
The Bad: That is, if you can get her out of her suit.
Mr Right: Tony Stark.
If the term ‘strong independent woman’ were to be applied to anyone it’d apply to Miss Aran. As an ex-soldier and bounty hunter Samus is well-versed in combat, sporting her impressive Power Suit with more weaponry than your average mid-sized battlecruiser. After a hard few weeks or months scouring the galaxy of evil expect a tigress on your hands with a dire need to get out of her Power Suit and relieve some tension, if you know what I mean fellas.
Still, you can probably see the problem arising here. Love and relationships will take second fiddle if the Space Pirates or the Metroids start becoming a problem again, and Samus isn’t one to put it all behind her for another few minutes snuggling on the couch. Expect to be left behind twiddling your thumbs whilst she’s out saving the galaxy for the umpteenth time.
Bayonetta (Bayonetta)
From: Vigrid
The Good: Indulges in a whole host of fetishes, some of which you’re bound to enjoy.
The Bad: Indulges in a whole host of fetishes, some of which you’re bound to be utterly sickened by.
Mr Right: A man to whom ethics, morals and decency have no meaning, or medieval dungeon keepers (often one and the same).
A fetishist’s wet dream. Bayonetta is a witch, but don’t go thinking about the ugly sort with warts and all. No, Bayonetta is a gun-toting, demon slaying seductress with legs all the way up to Heaven. The vanilla amongst you will do well to steer clear – Bayonetta is not the girl for those of you looking to raise a nice family and own a cottage with a white-picket fence. Instead you’ll be getting an action-packed sex-crazed thrill ride.
On the other side, an action-packed sex-crazed thrill ride is ALL you’ll be getting. Sounds fun now, but a few months down the line and you’ll be completely knackered with a woman (sorry, witch) still to please. Moreover, whilst some of her fetishes may be hot, others will inevitably scare the living daylights out of you – keep in mind that this wild cat is a witch who kills demons using BDSM techniques.
Princess Peach (Mario Series)
From: The Mushroom Kingdom
The Good: Well-mannered, generous and rich. Also a Princess.
The Bad: Has a bad habit of being kidnapped by large sentient reptiles.
Mr Right: Portly southern-European gentlemen with large moustaches and a talent for plumbing and go karting.
A blonde beauty with a heart of gold, the sweet Princess Peach will certainly never let you down. Don’t assume that she’s all looks and no brains though – she’s proven herself adapt at go karting, football and even hand-to-hand combat. Her vast riches, in excess of $1bn, will certainly make life a whole lot easier.
Be prepared for some very interesting mood and personality swings however. Whilst at times Peach will display some lethal punch and kick combos, she’ll also suffer sudden relapses, somehow incapable of even rudimentary self-defense. These lapses are often taken advantage of by a large ferocious kidnapping reptile. Should this occur, be ready to go out and rescue her to keep the relationship ticking over. Alternatively contact the Mushroom Kingdom’s friendly local plumbing service.
