Unseen Imperial

Once again, thank you to those who have submitted accounts on the aspects of our lives that we just don’t talk about

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Well, how do I start off? Let me just begin by saying that I was diagnosed of having severe depression and have been meeting my doctor and I am currently on medication since the last academic year. I’ve been through the whole process of counselling, psychiatric evaluation, CBT sessions (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), and there have even been times that I’ve rung up the Samaritans when it was just too much for me to handle. So, yes, I’ve had and still having my share of mental health issues.

How did it start? Not exactly sure how it all began! But when I was a pre-adolescent I remember being really irritated and just wanted to get out of my own skin. I would start scratching myself vigorously, and flapping my hands around and always had that feeling of punching something (don’t worry, I don’t randomly just punch people!). By this time I’ve changed countries, went to school in a totally new place and everything was just new! My family was broken up and life just started getting a bit hectic for my taste. Then comes along puberty and the whole teenage drama begins! I was bullied in school both verbally and physically. Wasn’t really sure why I was bullied and the more I thought of it the more confused I got and the more depressed I started to get. To add to that, I only got to see my dad once a year and when I do see him, he always buggered off somewhere and when he was around it just felt like, that he didn’t really seem to care about us. Things got worse to a point that suicide seemed to be the only solution! Which I did proceed with, but luckily stopped myself from over dosing before it was too late! This was at the age of 13. That was my first major episode.

Throughout the years the episodes got worse. When I mean episodes, I mean periods of me being depressed for more than a month. During these periods I was insomniac or slept a lot, starved myself, had thoughts of hurting myself or even suicide, was lethargic, couldn’t concentrate, was panicking a lot, was crying my eyes off every day, was having different body ailments and the list goes on and on… The worst part is I hated myself, I wasn’t comfortable being in my own skin and there was always that thought where I just wanted to rip my skin apart and run away from all the trauma. Every day before I went to bed I prayed that I wouldn’t wake up the next morning and when I did wake up it was just a horrendous feeling. I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt because for one I didn’t want to accept that something was wrong with me and two, people would just call me a retard or say deal with it or man up or something stupid like that. I tried comforting myself by talking to my toys and doing a whole psychiatric session by myself (yes, I had toys, I was 15). I was never a social outcast, I had a lot of friends and I was quite active during school time. It was all just an act! People thought I was happy and never assumed that anything was wrong, but boy were they wrong as hell.

I didn’t want to accept that something was wrong with me

So, before coming to Imperial I had about four or five major episodes and a huge amount of minor episodes. I never paid close attention to my episodes. Yes, I had all my depressive symptoms and I did weird stuff to take care of it, but I never told anyone anything. I was faking my way through and didn’t want to accept the fact that there might be something wrong with me.

I got chosen to Imperial and everything was going quite alright. The stress of work did get to me and I did have my spirals, but everything went fine. Even had a mini break down during the exam time period but ended up doing pretty well.

Then it was the next academic year and all hell just got loose. The thing is with my episodes (should be like everyone else’s), the more I ignored it and the more I didn’t get help the worse it got. During the first term of my second year it got really bad! The trauma, the agony, the pain I went through was just excruciating. For someone who hasn’t gone through any sort of mental health issue this might sound like an exaggeration, but trust me when I say that the pain you go through is agonising and is actually hard to describe in words. There were times that I actually was paralysed. I couldn’t move, if I were standing, I’d collapse to the floor and my whole body would just go numb. Hurting myself and suicide became priority in my head. I would hurt myself when I was at lectures using a pen, at home it’d be a sharp object. I kept banging my head hard against a wall. I kept on pulling my hair out (literally). I tried to keep myself happy, tried hanging out with people, watched movies, cooked, ate what I liked, but it didn’t make me feel better, it just made me feel worse. I didn’t want to hang out with my friends because I thought they’d see right through me and they would consider me to be some sort of omen. I walked whenever I started getting depressed and sometimes I’d walk for hours at two in the morning. I just wanted to run away. I despised myself and seeing myself in the mirror just made me want to pull my eyes out. I was always crying and wanted to be alone. I couldn’t focus at all and there were times I had to just stand up and get out of the lecture room because I was feeling really uncomfortable. The list does go on and some of them are pretty gruesome, but that is the sad truth about mental health issues when they are untreated.

Then during the second term I just couldn’t handle it anymore and took the leap of making an appointment with the Imperial College Counselling Service! The day of the first appointment came along and I was having regrets and jitters. As once as I go in, the counsellor just asked a few questions. I just couldn’t hold it in and started crying like I’ve never cried before. The counsellor was very understanding and made me feel like someone actually cared (I know it’s their job, but sometimes that small gesture means the world to you). He then advised me to go to see my doctor which I did and have been since. I’ve been on medication since then and have seen a psychiatrist for further evaluation of my problem. I also started on my CBT sessions, which are really helpful and gives you guidance on how to deal with problems you suffer. I really can’t thank these few people enough for what they’ve helped me through with and will always be grateful to them.

I’m not saying it is easy at all, it is tough

So if you are suffering or know anyone who is suffering from a mental health issue, please get help! You might think it is embarrassing, you might think people might take the mock out of you, you might feel you are a failure. I know I did! But after that first step, it becomes a bit easier for you to open up and help yourself get through with it. I’m not saying it is easy at all, it is tough and there are some instances that you’ll have to put that extra effort in! But all I’m saying is that get help if you are having some troubles, being quiet and feeling ashamed never helps and I don’t want anyone to go through what I’ve been through! I’ve been having this for ten years and am still in the process of getting help for the past one and a half years! I don’t want to make this sound like a happy ending in a fairy tale but with all the help I’m getting, I find myself to be more confident and happier than I’ve ever been in my life! So, please do get help is you are suffering from a mental health issue!

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In 2011 the world that I loved turned dim. It’s hard to describe how things turned so quickly, but they did. There were redundancies and many uncertainties. My friends were receiving letters to say they were to be made redundant and the supervisors had gone underground. We did not know what was going on and people became worried and upset. I was the only one about to ask and question. It was hard seeing my friends crying and unable to contact the supervisors to talk through the situations. I too had been moved to what we started to call the redundancy waiting room – as all those who were moved were being made redundant.

I continued my work and developing my research program. There was little feedback on my work and my questions about what was going on went unanswered. Instead of meeting to discuss my work, I would receive an occasional short curt email. It just made me worry more. That I guess was the start of the spiral.

My health spiralled very quickly into a very dim depressive place. I took advice from a friend and went to my GP – who diagnosed clinical depression. I was put on an antidepressant and psychology sessions were set up, I felt relieved that things were going to be ok.

I contacted my supervisors and told them that I had been to my GP and was diagnosed with clinical depression. I guess I expected that they would be understanding and supportive. No, they just demanded that I report back and start work the following Monday. Then they stopped talking to me, advised my collaborators to stop talking to me and stopped my salary. What they did made my recovery very hard. Not only did I have to try and get well from a very serious condition, but I had to try and fight for what were basic human rights in the UK.

It all just made me so very sad. Sad that people I had known and worked with for many years would be so unsupportive, when I most needed to be supported. If there is one message I would like to transmit to all, it is keep communication open when working with someone who has clinical depression. Support them in the same you would support someone who told you they had just been diagnosed with cancer. One in four people in the UK will experience a mental health problem in any given year. There is no excuse for ignorance.

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If you’d like to share your experiences of anything people don’t openly discuss, such as faith, sexuality, body image, mental health, disability or discrimination of any kind, please email icu-disabilities@imperial.ac.uk. You can create an anonymous email address to send it from and any details which could be used to identify you will be edited out.