Helping to raise a latte for equality

First off, I’m not a natural coffee drinker. Fair enough, unless your mother had a very peculiar physiology while breast-feeding, none of us are natural coffee drinkers. My point is, if given a choice, I would rather pick a pot of peppermint tea than choose a cafetiere of cappuccino. This puts me in a very adversarial relationship with the various coffee-shop chains on the high street. First among equals in my derision of them is Starbucks.

Everything about it irritates me. First off, there’s the price. For me, coffee should be something cheap and convenient. I shouldn’t need to take out a bank loan of such magnitude that it would be better spent on Greece than a cup of coffee. Next, there’s the sizing scale; ‘tall’, ‘grande’ and ‘venti’. In what universe is ‘tall’ the smallest possible measurement? Furthermore, ‘tall’ is a misnomer – ‘squat’ would be a more accurate for that size. At the other end of the bizarrely gradated spectrum, the largest cup size, something in America called ‘trenta’, holds more coffee than a bottle of wine. With caffeine and sugar in those quantities, it’s even odds whether a heart attack or diabetes will kill you first.

I will allow for the endless variations of coffee. As I know from my tea-drinking habits, there is a certain satisfaction that comes with having a certain blend for every possible situation. What I cannot abide, however, is how they ask for your name to inscribe upon your ridiculously over-sized coffee cup. I’m just buying coffee, Starbucks, let’s not make this personal. I’m all for service with a smile but that is taking it too far. Asking for a name is just one step away from getting your entire life history and moving in together with the barista. There is an added rub if, like me, you have a name that needs spelling out every time.

However, in spite of all of this, recently I have had cause to change my tune. I still dislike Starbucks but I have come to support them. Earlier this year, back in March, Starbucks publically came out in support of a gay marriage law in Washington state, USA. Swell, but what goes on behind closed doors six thousand miles away, and what a coffee-shop thinks about it, is not really any of my concern.

America is a funny country. People there are really interested in things like marriage. Concerned by Starbuck’s stance on a topic that will surely be the end of civilisation as we know it (or maybe happiness for a few fabulous people), the National Organisation for Marriage called for a worldwide boycott of Starbucks. They want to show the coffee chain that the patronage of tens of thousands right(-wing) minded customers is worth more to them than a stance they disapprove of.

If this played out on the playground, NOM would be saying something like, “You like gay marriage? That’s so gay! I don’t like you. I’m not going to talk to you until you change your mind.” before pushing Starbucks over and stomping off.

That sounds childish. Probably because it is. The internet, being the liberal, hedonistic kingdom that it is, promptly launched an informal counter-boycott. SumOfUs set up an online thank you card to Starbucks. To go back to the playground allegory, they are the kid who goes over and helps Starbucks back up. This is where I got interested. I am a firm believer in that the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Starbucks is supporting equality, or something like it. Some people don’t like that, and would rather I drink coffee elsewhere. I may not like Starbucks but I like bigots even less. I can derive a smug sense of satisfaction if, by drinking a tall and skinny Frappuccino, I annoy a self-righteous homophobe somewhere in the world.

So raise a latte for equality!