Imperial Recover From Draw to Thump Medics

It’s back. Children have been seen running around schoolyards in their new ‘Murphy’ jerseys. Indeed even some with ‘Diaz Rios’ on their backs, showing how the silkily skilled Spanish wonder kid has already endeared himself to the Imperial fan base. Women have been seen frenzied outside Harlington, trying to catch a glimpse of or maybe even touch the midfield hunks Alex Dale and Tim ‘Smithy’ Beasley, though it must be mentioned that their most vociferous admirers seem to be each other’s mothers. Grown men have already told their wives that they are busy henceforth on both Wednesdays and Saturdays; tackles from Hill and goals from captain Robinson can’t be missed. Finally, after the 6 tortuous months of absence, Imperial football is back. All is right in the world again. After Imperial 1s’ high-flying season (though most games were travelled to by bus), media expectations were high of the possibility of more success, although the team’s detractors would be quick to point out that this is due to Felix articles being written by members of the team. However, having been promoted to a new division and with the loss of both great players and inappropriate and oddly-timed nudity from the locker room, there were legitimate questions as to how the squad would cope in the loftier echelons of university football. Thus far, those concerns appear unfounded. Last Wednesday, the team headed down to Canterbury to face CCCU, who had been relegated to our division recently, though their relegation to the bottom of university league tables happened a while ago. Avid readers of 1s match reports may remember the Odyssey that the team embarked on to reach Canterbury. This time, however, thanks to the skilled driving of Robinson and the swag-filled playlist provided by full-time DJ and part-time midfielder John Crawford, we got there in a reasonable amount of time. Upon arrival in Canterbury, Robinson decided that we had made it in sufficient time to enjoy the scenery, and took us for a pleasant drive through the fields of Kent. Whilst it was well-meant, it was eerily reminiscent of Jeepers Creepers II, and we were all glad when the cultural tour of Kent ended. Upon arrival at the muddy bog CCCU call their home (#fortressSwamp), the team readied themselves for a challenge. The cones were put out, and everyone concentrated on the task at hand. Even Murphy, our resident David Attenborough, was too excited to talk about or study the local flora and fauna, which had previously so enthralled him. A rousing speech by Robinson left the team weeping in tears at its Chaucer-esque brilliance, with some calling for its addition to the 14th century masterpiece that is The Canterbury Tales. After that, we played football. The first twenty minutes was an exhibition of brilliance for Imperial. The midfielders Kola (can’t spell his surname), Crawford and the talismanic ‘Smithy’ controlled the tempo of the game, offering options to the ever-present wingers Dale and Murphy. The full-backs Nugent and Nielsen pushed up, and the interplay between these seven was orgasmic; indeed some of the CCCU cheerleaders (you read right – there were cheerleaders) were seen visibly weak at the knees, though that could have been due to their proximity to Dale, whose name so amused the opposing full-back marking him. Imperial seemed fully in control, enjoying the majority of possession, with the ball never seemingly never leaving the opposition’s half. Then disaster struck. A miscommunication by Keeper Owen during a CCCU foray into our half allowed the opposition’s striker to nip in and score a well finished header. Suddenly we were 1-0 down. Imperial were slightly deflated, and the match became much more balanced. The half continued fairly uneventfully, typical mesmerizing runs by Murphy and Dale aside. Defensively, the team was solid and largely unthreatened, and was led by the brilliant play of (reluctant) centre-back Johnny Hill. The second half started well, overlapping runs from deep supported by Nielsen and Nugent were dangerous and applied constant pressure to the opposition’s defence. A beautiful free kick whipped in by Murphy found an anonymous Imperial centre-back who ran from deep and headed it under the keeper and into the net. The cheers of joy at having equalised were swiftly ended by the piercing sound of the ref’s whistle calling for offside. Annoyance caused more pressure to be mounted: Robinson, hot off 4 goals in 20 minutes in the pre-season mauling of UCL 2s (see the coroner’s report last week), had a series of half chances and caused more problems for the defence than they had encountered with basic literacy tests, but frustratingly never quite had a quality opportunity to score. Murphy had a few cracks on goal, including a tantalisingly close opportunity almost latching on to a long ball one-on-one with the keeper. Then, finally, we equalised. There is disagreement over the nature of the goal. One person claims to have made a 60 yard marauding run from centre-back shifting and turning like Ahmed Cherif before curling it delicately into the bottom of the net. Everyone else maintains the ball was fumbled around in the 6-yard box, before being laid off by Robinson to the aforementioned anonymous centre-back who stroked it into the goal with what may have been actually his first touch. Despite this controversy, the ball went over the line and, to paraphrase Orwell, all goals are created equal. At 1-1 Imperial controlled the game, rarely looking under threat. However, not enough pressure was mounted to score again, and Imperial had to make do with a draw. The pain of not winning a match we dominated was offset by the joys of watching German debutant Max ‘friends with Marius’ do countless step overs, often with nobody close to him, sometimes even without the ball during the last 15 or so minutes of play. However, Imperial’s strong showing proved that we are a force to be reckoned with in this league and, to quote what Chris Nielsen heard from the opposition in the showers, we’ll ‘be up there at the end of the season’. These kind words were despite the acrimonious relationship developed between the sides during the game. Robinson and Crawford were embroiled in some rather nasty name calling with one member of the opposition, including deep-cutting insults such as ‘you aren’t very good’ or ‘you’re ugly’. Indeed some effeminate pushing and shoving was also observed. Man of the match went to Hill for his tenacious and controlling display, redemption after the red card he received against CCCU last year. (Completely unsubstantiated) Rumour has it that Robinson is considering making Hill’s move to centre-back permanent. Next was Saturday, where Imperial faced their rivals, the Medics. Rivalries are meant for teams of equal stature and hostile relationships. The game proved to have neither of the prerequisites required to fulfil the definition of a rivalry, as the tone of the match was good natured and the result (SPOILER ALERT) was emphatic; Imperial 1’s eased their way to a 5-0 win. Thus some might argue that there is no rivalry.

The pitch was slippery (#rain #3G #FORTRESSH), limiting Imperial’s ability to play their patented tiki-taka brand of football as the ball flew around the pitch like Drosophilae on cocaine. To their credit, the Medics battled hard, flying into challenges with courage and desire. Conversely, the line of the Hippocratic Oath ‘I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone’ was broken countless times by dangerous late challenges and unsolicited offers to provide prescription drugs at ‘great prices.’ Imperial were slow to start, but confidence exuded from the back, with new keeper Michael barking orders with the dulcet tones only a Norwegian can muster. Though called upon rarely, he made some big saves and had a fantastic debut for the club. Steadily Imperial 1s began to look sharper. Finally the deadlock was broken. A cross from the right found Murphy inside the corner of the box, who using his spidey-sense noticed the keeper rushing out towards him, and duly controlled the ball and flicked an aerial square ball to Robinson who headed it over a defender and in from just inside the box to score a goal some are calling a frontrunner for goal of the season. It was downhill for the Medics after that, as goals fell like dominoes. A free kick some 35 yards out was speculatively lofted towards the far post, and the Medic’s keeper kindly decided to fumble the ball into his own net. It was 2-0 to the Imperial 1s. Next an overlapping run by Nielsen culminated in a marvellous cross to which Robinson elevated at least 5 metres (give or take) to reach and headed the ball into the net. The 4th goal was spectacular. Full-back Nugent, taking time out of his busy schedule of telling crude/sex related jokes, made a dazzling run, and curled the ball from left of the goal into the right panel. It was a thing of pure beauty. Finally, to add insult to injury, Murphy threaded a delightful (I’m running out of adjectives) ball between 2 defenders and the keeper to the back post to find an unmarked Robinson, who SMASHED (his words not mine) the ball in to score a late 5th and complete his hat trick. This performance won him Man of the Match to the delight of many fantasy football managers. The Medics played well and should be commended for their resilience and fortitude; indeed, they came close a couple of times and should be proud of the way they played if not the score. However, the result was comprehensive and the Medics came away worse for wear, prompting the some onlookers to call for a doctor to treat Medic’s players for both trauma and shock, as they were in no state to do so themselves.