“Whatever this is, it’s not football.” Damn Right, This Is Domination.

This match report was thrust on to me, in the literal sense, by Captain Robinson in the late hours of Monday night who had more important things to do. I had planned a quiet night in with the other half after training, but duty called and I rose to the occasion; ladies take note, when Peter Nugent is called upon, he delivers, in style.

The International Break was finally over, thank god for that; there is only so much that could keep me occupied while the Premier League isn't on. The biggest and most loved team in Europe were back in action in the BUCS Cup; lesser teams were playing that evening in the Champions League but IC 1s had bigger fish to fry - Captain Robinson has an eye for the bigger things in life. The first of two mouth-watering ties involved Brunel 4s. With injuries plaguing the 1s and Crawford's Grotto keeping him busy on Wednesdays our options in the middle were short; 2s Captain Moxham filled Crawford's boots, though they were a bit sticky (Moxham, 2013). Suspect.

It all kicked off with IC seeing plenty of the opposition; the dressing room was akin to a nudist beach in the South of France. Eventually we got out to the pitch, fully clothed, with Vaseline applied to two (or three) nipples. Nipple chaffing is a serious issue in the sporting world. Those of you reading this, who sit at home playing World of Warcraft and eating Doritos, I'm sure you've experienced something similar; although with a lot less exercise. IC started the game, seeing plenty of the ball and switching it from side to side with ease, with Moxham acting as a pivot in the middle. They could barely string together a few passes, let alone a few sentences. Thankfully, they were as good at scoring goals as they were academically and squandered all the chances we presented them; the wonderful barnet of Casas, formerly referred to as Bofarull, probably had them wondering how his hair was so perfect. That is when IC pounced on their chances like Frosty pounces on a cougar with cat like reflexes. A through ball expertly played in to the space by Viaud meant Captain Robinson had something to run on to, and he made the most of it, skinning his defender who was still trying to work out what ICUAFC stood for, and whipping it past the onrushing keeper in to the bottom corner. That wouldn’t be the only thing he was whipping that Wednesday, mysterious gaps in the market beware!

@OptaMick 0.5 - Half a towel is the preferred choice for Murphy. Minimal.

We came in at half time 1-0 up, any one who knows anything about football would know this was a dangerous score line and the next two goals could swing the match either way. We'd been working on high pressing for the last few weeks, and there's nothing we love more than pressing up against someone in Metric, but that's a different report for a different time. On and off the pitch we set the trap at every opportunity, closing down the space. It was a solid effort up and down the pitch, meaning we were winning the ball in all sorts of promising positions. Maizonnier was running rampant like a rabbit down the right wing; Murphy in the hole was relishing his opportunity, as he’s never been one to get near any sort of orifice. The second goal came immediately after Bellot was substituted on, a wise decision from Robinson who decided that the score was too dangerous still at 1-0. Maizonnier cut in from the right wing and sent an absolute pile driver towards the keeper. The keeper, who was overwhelmed by the shouts of partial derivatives that had been thrown his way from the home support, parried the ball straight in to the path of Bellot, who with his first touch slotted the ball home with ease.

@OptaMick 6 - It only took Bellot 6 seconds to score with his first touch. Rapid.

Admittedly at this point we took our foot off the gas, but we kept possession in Barcelona-esque style. A #viscous rumour flowing around Harlington was that Messi was eyeing a move to IC 1s, however the prospect of no first team football put him off. After frustrating Brunel, we switched on another gear and got the ball up the pitch swifter than a Beasley throw of the matchbox. Murphy, who had gone back to his natural position (#LeftWing!), turned on the class. He drifted inside, skipping past a defender and unleashing a bullet in to the top corner, the keeper got a hand to it, but it was obviously fatigued due to his activities the previous evening. Screams of “WHAT A HIT SON! TAKE A BOW!” rang around Fortress H; that was the match sealed, a 3-0 whitewash and sending Brunel 4s to whatever corner of London they reside in. Through to the next round of the BUCS Cup, a clean sheet and another victory upon Megan Fox (the 3G at Harlington). Vital.

That’s one tie to satisfy your IC needs, but like me one round means I only want more, so ladies I hope you’ll be ready in the morning. The next cup-tie was in the LUSL Cup; having been in the final for the last 4 years (Hill, 2005) meant that we were by far the favourites for this cup and winning was the only option. Our travels took us away from the delights of Megan Fox and into a far darker world; south of the river is not a nice place in general, let alone to play football. However, IC 1s were going to bring their unique brand of high pressing and swift counter attacking football to light up Queen Mary 1s’ afternoon, after all they had the evening shift at KFC looming. We warmed up on what can only be described as a trench, but despite these huge set backs, we weren’t going to be phased - we were here to do a job and we were not about to leave disappointed. Not on a day where I was involved. Ladies.

@OptaMick 0 - IC 1s haven’t lost a game when they score (W6, D1). Machine.

We started as we did against Brunel, pressing them all over the pitch and keeping the ball well. There was plenty of space all over the pitch with the defenders overlapping well and causing havoc. The half went on with it all being IC, the only thing we were lacking was a goal; we’d had plenty of opportunities but it just wasn’t materialising. Like I said ladies, when Peter Nugent is called upon, he delivers. Embarking on another overlapping run down the left wing, leaving unintelligent opposition in his wake, Nugent found himself in acres of space. Captain Robinson held the ball up well inside the box, Nugent checked back onside and received the ball from Captain Robinson from a reverse pass. Taking one touch and opening his body Nugent curled it in to the bottom corner, his now signature goal scoring move. The keeper could of done better had his gloves not been covered in grease from last night’s KFC shift. Delight filled the pitch, all the hard work from the first half had paid off with a Nugent opener, we were in a similar position on Wednesday so we knew what had to be done in the second half.

@OptaMick 5 - Every game Nugent has scored in has ended in a 5-0 win. Omen.

It was the same story all over again, KFCs Finest had opted to not play a right-winger this half, and so the left wing was wide open for the taking. You could sense more goals were to come. Getting in to the box Bellot flicked the ball over the head of a defender who decided basketball was his preferred sport, resulting in an IC penalty. What followed was the most bizarre style of goalkeeping anyone has ever seen. The keeper decided to scream at Robinson “WHERE ARE YOU PUTTING IT MATE? WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT IT?” To which Robinson replied “You will find out soon enough.”. “GO ON THEN! PUT IT LEFT! I DARE YOU! PUT IT LEFT! GO ON! IF YOU’RE GOOD! PUT IT LEFT!” Captain Robinson hadn’t been paying attention though as he dispatched in to the bottom right corner. At this point the day had turned sour for Queen Mary 1s; they were 2-0 down and they had that dreaded evening shift handling the Colonels finest. Their left-winger, who was a chubby lad and eaten all the pies, was having no luck down our right. Nielsen had him in his pocket all day, at which point the KFC employee decided that flooring Nielsen and stepping on his chest was a good decision. Even Queen Mary 1s were in shock, and their left back, who had been rubbing shoulders with Falcao not long ago, exclaimed, “I don’t know what this is, but it’s definitely not football.” In the strongest Spanish accent imaginable. Which was true, this wasn’t football it was domination, and it had only just begun.

@OptaMick 85 - Captain Robinson has netted 85 goals for IC Football in almost 3 and a half seasons, with 13 in 11 games this season so far. #Centuryontheagenda.

Another two goals followed, Maizonnier squared to Bellot who wanted to shoot, but laid it off to Captain Robinson who only needed an inch to bang it bottom corner. Don’t worry ladies, he definitely has a lot more than an inch. His third goal for the hat trick materialised from a Murphy through ball, which was expertly weighted, releasing Captain Robinson down the left, one touch with the outside of the right boot took their defender out the game and allowed Captain Robinson to slot the ball in between the keepers legs. The majority of the half was wave after wave of attacks on Queen Mary's goal, 4-0 up with time to spare IC weren’t taking any prisoners. The final goal to round off the affair was a blitzing run by Maizonnier down the right, skinning his man and playing the ball back post to Murphy who knocked home. Another cup-tie, another clean sheet and a man of the match performance from Lawson saw IC 1s fly in to the next round of the LUSL Cup. IC 1s were definitely setting the example for the rest of the club.

@OptaMick 0 - Queen Mary 1s never had a single shot, let alone one on target. Thwarted.

So there you have it, IC 1s returned to the Union to celebrate their progression and Queen Mary’s swiftly departed to make their shift at Gloucester Road KFC, where we would be wading to after for a 2 Piece Variety Meal #Delightful. Before this though, we would meet some resistance to our chanting - “Why do you have to do this here?” moaned a new addition to the union. Clearly, he had not been to the union on a Wednesday or Saturday. What an amateur.

Smittthyyyyyyyy, what do you wanna be?

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