ICUAFC 1s on brink of League and Cup double

After a long season, ICUAFC 1s were hoping to follow in the footsteps of Dante emerging from the Inferno and Purgatory into the long awaited Heaven (minus a Roman poet as a guide and lasting considerably longer than 66 Cantos). The week beginning 25th February was the definition of make or break, with matches against Hertfordshire 2s—placed 2nd in BUCS—and a LUSL cup semi-final against Kings Medic 2s (GKT [TK MAXX]).

First up was the voyage west to Hertfordshire where bad memories were evoked. The previous year’s ‘playlist’ in the minibus featured too much Elton John as well as a Cypriot artist whose name was unknown, let alone pronounceable. The minibus had not been equipped with enough Valium for the whole team to take, leading to half the team struggling to come to terms with their own existence let alone being in a frame of mind to play a football match. The same mistake was not to be repeated: a blanket ban on Biffy Clyro was enforced and the bus was treated to a rousing chorus of the Gallagher brothers. This led to all members of the bus being ‘Mad Fer It’, except for Tofis who bemoaned the lack of Βαγγέλης Παπαθανασίου (Vangelis Papathanassiou). Tofis perked up before kick-off whereby he declared his love for Crewe Alexandra and gave an interesting rendition of some of their popular songs, before asking what league they played in.

A strong team was put out, with Bjorkstrand completing the line-up. The game commenced on possibly the best away pitch the team had encountered all season (N.B. this is genuinely not sarcasm). The opening exchanges were about as cagey as the Bastille ten minutes after it had been stormed (basically, it wasn’t cagey) and Imperial dominated the first 5 minutes. Then, as Imperial had been accustomed to in recent fixtures, the referee awarded a penalty to the opposition after Woodhead had kicked the air so hard that their striker had no choice but to fall over. The striker had clearly not recovered from this near death experience and took the worst penalty Garner had experienced all season: straight down the middle with as much power as Superman holding Kryptonite. Garner was so surprised that he could only push the ball back out to the striker but he got up quickly enough to thwart the rebound, keeping the clean sheet intact.

Justice was invoked shortly after whereby a delightful through ball from Beasley played in Bjorkstrand who chipped the onrushing keeper in Cantonaesque fashion, giving Imperial a deserved 1-0 lead. The rest of the half went by uneventfully, although a Bjorkstrand second was chalked off purely because the opposition linesman didn’t want Imperial to win.

It was clear that Imperial were on top but the one goal scoreline was not enough. The second half again started with Imperial taking control but a second goal could not be found. Jones and Abou Ela Bourquin hit the bar with headers from Dale corners whilst Beasley was unlucky to have his strike well saved by the keeper to deny him his first goal for Imperial since he was reincarnated as Smithy 2. Dale also had a chance to finish off the game but his left footed strike was, if anything, hit too well (and too at the keeper). Hertfordshire pressed for a late equaliser with a series of corners and a free kick that was flicked on, but not well enough to prevent Garner making a comfortable diving save.

The full time whistle was greeted with hugging and general laddish behaviour from ICUAFC and the realisation was that a single point from either of the two remaining games would be enough to guarantee promotion.

With BUCS promotion almost guaranteed, attentions turned to cup; the one occasion where a muggle sport is more magical than quidditch. Having beaten GKT1s in the quarter-finals, a semi-final against their 2s should have been, on paper, an easier proposition. This notion was dispelled in 120 minutes of nerves and tension.

Having got over the initial shock of not having an AUX cable in the minibus, members of the team refocused their attention on the job in hand. A 16 man strong squad provided depth and experience that should have been able to grind out a result regardless.

The match started slowly although Imperial edged the opening encounters. The hard work being put in came to fruition about 25 minutes into the game where a vintage Bjorkstrand through ball found Robinson in an acre of space and he calmly sent the keeper the wrong way with a casual finish. At this point you could have been forgiven for thinking that Imperialwere final bound but a host of chances were not converted meaning that the lead at half-time was a slender 1-0.

Again a second goal did not come, although an ambitious 35 yard piledriver by Hill was tipped round the post by the keeper at the start of the second half. When a win looked imminent, Imperial paid for their inadequacies in front of goal as a corner evaded all the defenders and found their striker. A delightful left footed swivel shot nestles in the far side netting, drawing the score back to 1-1. Tempers flared with Murphy questioning the impartiality of the GKT linesman and Robinson taking an opportunity to remind the referee exactly what he thought of him. With time running out neither team could get a winner, taking Imperial to extra-time for the third occasion this season.

TK MAXX 2s could have been forgiven for thinking 11 new players had come out for Imperial in extra-time as Imperial dominated and quickly found themselves in front again. Dale burst down the wing with pace that J.W.M Turner himself would have struggled to capture on canvas. The resulting cross was sheer perfection, an artistic blend of Caravaggio, Rafael and Titian infused with some Pollock flair, finding the diving head of Robinson and ultimately the back of the net. The game was over as a contest shortly into the second half of extra-time as a disguised Murphy pass found Jones who shimmied around a number of tackles before planting a finesse shot into the back of the net.

Imperial were able to shut up shop for the remaining minutes and have now reached the LUSL (formerly ULU) final for the 4th year in a row, where they will meet LSE 1s. The next few weeks are pivotal and could potentially see an unprecedented domestic double. Mention should also go to ICUAFC 3s, 5s and 6s who have each been promoted from one of their leagues, whilst the latter have reached their own cup final. Both cup finals takes place on Saturday 16th March which is, rather fittingly, exactly 1,976 years to the day that Caligula became Roman Emperor.