ICUAFC dominate, just like the 1sts

Saturday morning began with one of the most eventful player crises in recent memory. With many regulars seemingly sidelined, ICUAFC 2nd team skipper Dr. “LOVE” Wright took some time out of his busy morning Frank Ocean-induced sex coma to gather the remaining troops for their battle with fierce rivals Imperial Medic 1st team. The 12 valliant warriors were almost dealt the most bitter of early blows when their chariot of fire (Tellings & Miller coach) proceeded to limp to the Union 20 minutes late. Tim Beasley was close to tears, as the one time he managed to get Jonny Hill out of bed within half an hour of departure time proved futile, and will no doubt never be witnessed again (#TBtillidie). There were no more unwanted surprises, although there was a feeling of loss in the changing room when it became apparent that Thom Samas would not be making an appearance.

Warm up was concluded with minimal fuss, with resident pensioner Benincasa running his usual pre-game 24km high knees. Imperial’s crafty plan of messing up the Medics minibus booking worked to perfection, resulting in the Medics arriving just 15 minutes before kick-off, with just the bare 11 men. The ref blew his whistle, and battle commenced. The first 5 minutes were a notoriously un-clichéd cagey affair, with the all-important first tackle being won by Imperial. Some tactical confusion was deployed by Imperial’s Pete Nugent, who informed his teammate with a shout of “TIME” followed instantly by a “MAN-ON”. Vedat Ratib, who received the pass, was immediately dispossessed. “Joke’s on you” said Ratib, to everyone who was listening…which, as usual, was no one. IC soon took an early lead, a flowing move with Rob Maizonner collecting the ball on the right flank before drilling a low cross straight through the corridor of uncertainty and into the living room of champions, where Will Wright got the slightest of touches to guide the ball to Myles Jarvis, gambling at the back stick as always, who struck a right-footed shot into the bottom corner. There were mutterings of disbelief, as approximately no one knew Jarvis possessed a right foot. Nigel Jarvis looked bemused on the sidelines: 1-0 IC.

At the restart, there were no IC shouts of “it’s still 0-0”, which, as we all know, is essential for keeping the leading team on their toes. Lo and behold, a Medic equalizer followed within the next 10 minutes. Dom Affron, in between moaning about anything and everything, took an IC throw-in from the left, with Dion Benincasa taking the worst touch anyone has ever seen (ever). The constantly threatening Medic number 10 and official unit, “Uzi”, nipped in and applied the finish despite a desperate lunge from Andy Smith. Nigel groaned on the sideline. Affron continued to moan, only a few decibels louder. Will Wright’s shoulder slumped and head dropped in disgust, inspirational leader that he is. Dabbagh shouted furiously. Moxham’s scalp looked more terrifying than ever. Andy Smith may even have been heard saying something. 1-1. The nature of the Medic goal gazumped IC, as they carried about as much threat as a dead possum up until that point.

The Medics began to build a head of steam, knocking the ball around nicely, despite the best efforts of their number 5, who was more interested in fouling than playing football. A tense 15 minutes played out, but IC were never far from the game, and deservedly took the lead when Maizonner received a low pass from Affron and finished with aplomb into the top corner, despite taking 53 extra touches. 2-1 IC, and the half time whistle followed soon after.

The second half began well for the Medics, who had the better of possession. Two route 1 style hoof and flick-ons presented striker Uzi with one-on-one situations. Brap brap, Uzi missed the target on both occasions, indicating that his name may well have been derived from his low hit-ratio from a large number of shots. James Owen gave his defence a good talking too, showing glimpses of the lairiness that gets him into fights with fellow ICUAFC members. A huge let off for IC.

With Medics continuing to assert pressure, Sami Dabbagh was lucky not to be given a court order for assault on the opposition number 5, who he brought down with all the reflexes and reaction of a gun enthusiast’s trigger finger. Affron attempted to diffuse the situation by politely reminding the referee that he was “having a nightmare”. Unfortunately, this did not have the desired affect, with Dabbagh given a flash of yellow and the Medics given a free-kick. Affron continued his eloquent dialogue with the referree, later calling him a “maverick”, with the man in black seeming somewhat proud of this reference. It’s always good to have a ref who doesn’t play by the rules…

With tension increasing, Myles Jarvis decided to step up to the plate, giving the Medic right back a torrid time, sprinting down the left wing before sending a low cross to the back stick, where a gambling Rob Maizonnier converted for his second of the game. 3-1 IC. “It’s still 0-0” screamed Nugent, and, taking this on board, Jarvis decided to once again burst past his opponent, earning an IC corner. From a Rob Maizonnier corner, Dom Affron caressed the ball with his right testicle into the back of the net. There were mutterings of disbelief, as approximately no one knew Affron possessed a right testicle. 4-1 IC, game over.

With the rest of the match playing out at a tepid tempo, the final whistle was blown, the ref proving his maverick tendencies by turning the whistle upside down before blowing. In truth, 4-1 flattered Imperial 2s, but the win was definitely deserved. MOTM to Myles Jarvis, who started his university football career playing for the Medics, closely followed by an impressive Rob Maizonnier.