Spoof, Rom-com, Drama, Horror, Thriller

A Haunted House

If your idea of fun consists of Marlon Wayans dry-humping three cute stuffed animals for an extended period of time in various positions, you should go right ahead and watch this horror movie spoof that pretty much does nothing right.

The Paranormal Activity franchise and The Devil Inside are the two main films that this gets its ideas from; we see a couple (Wayans and Atkins) move into a new home and find supernatural occurrings haunting their everyday life.

We get fart jokes, sex jokes, defecation, misogyny and homophobia, and no matter how hard everyone tries, it’s Wayans’ constantly over-the-top performance that gets quickly tiresome and a long list of jokes that never really stick. Forte has moments as the Hispanic maid, but not enough.

Much like the films it wants to make fun of, there’s too much time lingering over nothing, and often you want the film to just get on with it and make us laugh. Sadly the laughs never do come, and thankfully when it’s all over in 86 minutes, you’ll want to avert your eyes and attention to something of more quality. Let’s just say, it’s worse than the Scary Movie films – now that’s a pretty new low. – 1 Star

Bachelorette

This year’s Bridesmaids? Not quite, but it’s a wedding comedy that can proudly stand on its own two feet. It’s funny, filthy, and bold, with quirky, unlikable but redeemable characters played by actors who can handle comedy.

High school best friends Regan (Dunst), Gena (Caplan) and Katie (Fisher) are shocked to hear their plus-sized “friend” Becky (Wilson) is getting married, before any of them. They all come together, not having grown up one bit since their high school days, wanting to get drunk and high living up to their glory years.

What’s difficult is that the world has moved on and they haven’t. It’s difficult to see just how these three navigated their way through life after their teenage years, but when such dynamic characters come together, you know you’ll get trouble.

A stupid, drunken evening leads to a ripped wedding dress, which is every bride’s worst nightmare. The good news is, Becky has no idea, and they have until the next morning to get this fixed. They find new love and renewed friendships along the way, and perhaps finally, the three will snap out of their fantasy lives and grow up. And there’s fun to be had getting there. – 4 Stars

Stand Up Guys

Released from prison after almost spending three decades locked up, Val (Pacino) is looking for some good time (i.e. sex, drugs, guns) with his buddies Doc (Walken) and Hirsch (Arkin). What complicates hisnight-out is that Doc has been tasked with killing Val and delivering his body to a crime boss.

With a cast this good, it’s a shame they don’t have anything better to do than visit a brothel three times, take a few too many viagra pills, go to a bar, and a diner. We’re asked to believe this may be Val’s last ever day on Earth and yet there’s nothing remotely interesting about what these three old timers get up to. There is the predictable running gag that hint at the fact that these guys are “too old for this shit” and the script doesn’t go any further to equip these fantastic actors with anything better to say.

Awkwardly stirring up false sentimentally to bring about closure for the characters doesn’t really work, as proper links are never established. And so both a sudden death and introduction of family members feel incredibly forced.

But despite the mind-numbingly dull script, it’s always worth sticking around for some banter between Pacino, Walken and Arkin. – 3 Stars

No One Lives

Japanese director Kitamura’s second English-language feature is as bloody and shocking as his previous film The Midnight Meat Train, but also just as shallow. There will be blood, tons of it, with all the gore very stylishly handled, although when it comes to explaining the characters themselves, the film falls massively short.

A gang of violent thugs meet their match when a man they kidnap for money is far from a helpless city worker they first thought he was. In fact Driver (Luke Evans) has secrets of his own (i.e having a woman locked up in the trunk of his car) and possesses skills that make it instantly obvious that they messed with the wrong man.

Evans is a convincing anti-hero of very few words, and his sharp charisma is enough to dominate the screen. There’s also a certain amount of satisfaction to be gained seeing so many vile individuals meet their deserving gruesome ends.

Briefly glossing over the psychology of the Driver and his relationship with his captives makes the audience wonder, but our curiosity is never properly addressed after its hasty wrap-up of all things violent.

Everything is very slickly put together but the content is barely there. – 3 Stars

The Call

Halle Berry is a 911 operator having undergone a traumatic event six months beforehand of listening to a young girl get murdered, Abigail Breslin is a girl who’s kidnapped and calling her now from the boot of the car, and the two communicate trying to figure out the best solution to this little problem.

Here’s an expertly made thriller, one that cleverly makes use of its tight, claustrophobia-inducing space, and a highly probable scenario.

Berry is very convincingat portraying the concerned helper, whereas Breslin, making a successful transition from a child star to a potentially successful adult actress, is an excellent victim, crying and screaming at all the right moments and selling the sheer terror. Eklund is the suitably creepy villain who has his own reasons for what he’s doing.

Things only get problematic in the film’s third act, when there is an attempt to turn Berry’s character into a lone female detective and an eventual action heroine. She does her own investigation piecing things together, coming to conclusions based on the most ridiculous and absurd clues.

The final scene does open things up for a potential sequel: and to this, we say hell yes, go for it. – 4 Stars