Tour de Football: Poland Edition

Tour began on the final Friday of the summer term. Amongst the celebrations, that are usual at this time of year, there was a sense of trepidation amongst some of the younger members of the touring party. What lay ahead was the football club’s summer tour to Poland by the end of which this feeling of trepidation had been truly justified.

After a feast of Librarian’s Michelin starred Bizzquick© the 22 of us began the journey to Krakow. K.Arthur arrived just in time with another story to add to his growing anthology. The hostel staff in Krakow were treated to our unique culture of box (which the Union’s patrons enjoy week in week out) with the traditional tour addition of bong. Our first night in Krakow was the scene for one of the great discoveries in human history. To the list of Columbus and the Americas, Newton and gravity, Fleming and penicillin, the discovery of Shakers by ICUAFC can be added. Georgia, who just hours earlier had been reduced to tears by a mop, was now delighted whilst S.Campbell and Marius formed a persistent wading team.

Sunday saw our first footballing encounter of the week against Poland. Spirits were high before kick-off and after an extensive warm up we locked horns with Poland. After a bright start by ICUAFC the experience and technical ability that is common at international level allowed Poland to gain the upper hand. Despite Gayson’s best efforts ICUAFC found themselves 2-0 down at half-time. With some Spanish flair coming off the bench and Librarian taking 5 minutes to calm down the second half performance showed some signs of improvement with chances spurned by Reply all, Spaniard 2 and (most impressively) Dr. Love. Dr. Love’s maraud from centre back went unnoticed by the Poles and his gamble at the back stick so nearly resulted in a headed goal. The effect of chasing the ball began to show in the last 15 minutes and a disappointing performance ended in a comfortable win for Poland. That night the Spaniards’ misery was compounded by their national team’s appalling performance. Napoleon’s DJing was well received but Shakers beckoned. Later, Emmanuel Frimpong watched on in disgust as Sausage and Crab committed animal rights atrocities on Krakow’s pigeons although Sausage’s commitment to this cause must be commended. The line “can you blow up my shark” was surprisingly successful until Spaniard 1 decided this was dishonourable and confiscated the prop.

Jewsuf definitely not completing the shooting challenge was followed by an afternoon of pint-seeing in the most beautiful city in the world. K.Arthur abused a free-hug initiative and Sergei quoted his doctor more times than is decent.

The next day saw ICUAFC’s second match of tour this time facing up against some local street youths. A rousing rendition of the national anthems was followed by a cagey opening 30 seconds after which Sausage had had enough and decided to give the youths a head-start by throwing the ball into his own net. Marius’ selection policy was being called into question when Sausage produced another goalkeeping clanger to see ICUAFC 2-0 down early on. The massed crowds watched aghast as Gruby Lysy produced a spectacular overhead kick and Spaniard 3 took an unprovoked dive. In the second half goals from Librarian and Marius, the first a deft chip over the keeper and the second a casual pile-driver from range, were not enough to earn victory against the tenacious youths. Live music helped us forget the day’s defeat and our final night in the most beautiful city in the world saw Librarian bring dishonour on his family as No stood watch from his outpost in shakers and Georgia’s selfies reached new heights.

The coach journey to Wroclaw began with some shock revelations which Blue Steel found difficult to accept. Napoleon was crowned the second most hated man in the club (Myles Jarvis just pipping him) and “6/10, house party” was repeated several times. A combination of S.Campbell’s awful musical taste, a four hour wait in traffic and the necessity for Spanish penises never to piss alone meant that morale was low upon arrival in Wroclaw. This was not helped by Spaniard 1’s determination to shower his homeland in honour regardless of the accuracy of his tales. However, the beauty of Wroclaw combined with Shambolic’s love of hotties led to a pleasant evening. The next day’s dinner was rudely interrupted by some unwelcome visitors who were suitably punished for the presence. Crab made a swift exit to propose to local children leaving a furious Blue Steel with the bill. By this point bowel control was becoming an issue with K.Arthur and No retiring early.

Our final encounter saw ICUAFC take on Wroclaw Institute of Technology. As both teams felt each other out in the opening stages it was the home side that were nearly gifted an early goal by a hilarious misjudgement by Phone Shop in goal. Charging out of his area our stand-in keeper could only watch as the ball bounced high over his head. Fortunately, finishing ability appeared not to be an entry requirement for our opponent’s team. With Gayson pulling the strings up top and Spaniard 1 having the game of his life ICUAFC gained the upper hand without ever threatening the goal. On the stroke of half time the home side grabbed a goal that proved to be decisive. Despite a late maraud from Phone Shop and goal line heroics from Georgia and Dr. Love a 1-0 defeat was the only reward for a solid performance which was always going to have an end of tour feeling to it. Having been mesmerized by Librarian for the previous 90 minutes the bumper crowd of 17 showed their appreciation, as did the rest of the team, and he was inevitably awarded player of tour. Honourable mentions to Dr. Love, Emma’s fit, Georgia and Sausage (Sausage!) who also gave inspirational performances over the week.

There was time for just one more piwo before the squad headed home to bask in the memories and pain that the previous week had created. A wise aeronautics PhD student once said that by the end of tour you will want to go home. He was yet again proven correct.