How to surive a horror film

It’s late night on Halloween, and you and a group of friends are walking home from your party of choice. One of you takes a wrong turning and somehow you suddenly lost in a part of London you don’t know. You stop and ask for directions, but no-one is being helpful. And even though there are only five of you, for some reason you can hear a sixth set of footsteps. Is there someone following you?

Oops, it seems like you’ve inadvertently walked into the scenes of a horror film. If you’re going to survive the night, you’d better follow my advice.

Be the right person

First off, to survive you need to make sure that you’re the right character. Everyone knows that it’s the blonde bimbo in eight-inch heels, and an inappropriately small amount of clothing for the time of year, that goes first. So make sure you have a pair of sensible shoes for running on, and try to care more about your life than breaking a nail.

Next up as a victim, it’s probably either the jock or the outsider – the alpha male is a pretty easy target for any self-respecting murderer, for multiple reasons. One: they probably stand the best chance of stopping you. Two: I don’t know, it’s just the rules. I don’t write the rules. I don’t even know who writes the rules. As for the outsider, they’re just easy pickings, right? I mean, nobody really talks to them, they’re always off being intellectual – no-one will notice if someone casually sneaks up and violently and noisily murders them.

If you’re a girl, your best bet for survival is to be the meekly pretty virgin with a bit of backbone that will tell the guy chasing you that they’re evil, or crazy, or a murderer, then run for the hills. If you’re a guy, being the romantic interest is probably your best bet. Even evil, crazy murderers are romantics at heart.

Go to the right place

Congratulations, you’ve managed to be the right person and survive the first couple of killings, but you’ve got a while to go before you’re safe. You need to find a good space to hide and wait until morning. Unfortunately it’s fast approaching three in the morning and anyone in there right mind is going to asleep, or at the very least ignoring the crazy sounding person banging on their door screaming about a killer.

The first place you should probably avoid is anywhere obviously abandoned. Creepy old factories, or train stations, or office blocks are easily the sort of place that a dastardly villain could set a trap. You don’t want to nip to the loo in the middle of the night only to be impaled by old, rusty equipment.

Try not to go anywhere that is imbued with history either. Though you may manage to avoid the guy chasing you for a bit, you’re bound to bump into some nasty ghoul that doesn’t like the fact that you’re invading his territory, and come after you.

I hear that hotels are quite nice places to spend the night, why not see if you can find one?

Things you shouldn’t do

Don’t have sex. If you do, you will die almost immediatly, if not during. Everyone knows that the couple who have sex are always the next ones to die. Why not fill your time with useful things like trying to escape instead?

Don’t split up. For some reason in every horror film someone decides that it is a great idea to split up. Don’t be the idiot who suggests it. Splitting up is the one of the stupidest ideas you can have. You’re not Scooby Doo and his friends, you don’t need to search for clues. Just stay together.

Don’t lose your phone. Don’t put it down. Don’t drop it and break it. It’s one of the most important possessions you have for getting out of trouble. If you lose it, or lose your phone signal, you’re probably already dead.

Finally, don’t be an idiot. And maybe, if you’re very lucky, you might escape. Good luck!