ICUAFC go on tour to Brighton’s beachside clubs... And play some football as well.

After weeks of deliberation and minutes of research, tour secretary Naven Ghulam came to the decision that Imperial College Union Association Football Club (ICUAFC) and its hordes of Rangers were to return to the tour destination from two years ago: the lovely sea side town of Brighton. The day began as Philipp Gerstenberg arrived for his first pint at the union a good eight hours before the scheduled departure time. The Tour Sec was bombarded with questions on a range of topics using the hashtag #AskNav. Despite his ability to keep calm in answering these questions, it soon became apparent that he was in fact from the Matt Cann school of tour secs and that the tradition of incompetency was to be carried on. Refusing to let this setback hold them down, the army of Rangers powered on as more and more joined the cause.

The touring party arrived in Brighton full of high spirits and optimism. The squad was split into rooms of 20 and 18 with careful consideration to spread the deadwood and the fun people equally. After the session at the union and an eventful train journey, only a brief stop at the local ‘spoons was required to get everyone sufficiently loose and warmed up. The importance of a good warm up was highlighted when a certain Kings’ 1sts player became the first casualty of the tour and in the process made for an uncomfortable bus journey for an unsuspecting french woman. Our first fixture was being played at a beach-side club called Coalition. To the surprise of many, the majority of the group managed to get into the club with the exception of a few. Julian NoFuncaponi was deemed ineligible to play by British Universities & Colleges Sport (BUCS) as he had conveniently forgotten his ID for the entire weekend. Vice-Captain, Robert Maizonnier, continuing his ongoing struggle with bouncers all over the country was also forced to watch from the stands. The game started with a high tempo and the pace was too much for Cricket Social Sec and self-proclaimed BNOC MattWho? Knights as he suffered from a case of ‘Couldn’t hack it with the big boys’. The opposition, University College London (UCL) Netball, arrived late but were quick to get involved with the play. A cagey period of play ensued as resident Scouser, Ant Wilson, peppered the UCL netball goal with some shots but she was having none of it. With about an hour on the clock, Dom Wood broke free next to the bar and slotted in a neat finish to open the scoring. Vicious rumours circulated that he also agreed on a return leg in London with the opposition. Club wonder kid, Sam West Brom, was having a torrid time in Brighton and there was no respite from the opposition. Having heard of his academy past, he was double man marked out of the game all the way back to the hostels. Despite the best efforts of the rest of the squad he couldn’t break past the double man marking and the opposition managed to register two goals. IC looked to be heading to defeat until Edin Dzeko snuck in with an equaliser late on as the points were shared. Other notable incidents in the game were Naven Ghulam receiving Red for a two footed challenge to the head as well Seb Gosden collecting his first ever sending off for giving chat-back to the referee. Bazzledon insisted he had scored a winner in the disable toilets but his claims were denied to due to the use of a 4-1-4-1 formation and a scandalous self pleasuring technique.

Second day of tour began slowly with the prospect of actual football to be played. Nav still serving his ban on the touchlines meant the group was without their tour sec yet again. We arrived at the pitch to see what can only be described as a poor man’s Hyde Park football pitch with the added feature of actual human faeces. Expert storyteller, Charlie Powell, had warned the troops of the potentially deadly effects of getting shit in the wound and players on both teams started the game with caution. IC skins were captained by tour enigma, Alcoholic Frank while IC shirts were captained by 3 out of 4 Patel brothers, Kieran, Beeran and Peeran. (Come to the union to meet all three on any given Wednesday or Saturday). Both teams produced a display worthy of the pitch. A scorpion kick goal from Dickon Dent Duffield was a highlight whilst Charlie bagged a hat-trick only to be disallowed due to lack of goal conversion via Klinsmann. After the game, both teams were treated to an exhibition of textbook Klinsmanns by Shagger Harris, which everyone appreciated. Final score was a 1-0 win to Brighton football pitches and Man of The Match was Peeran Patel for being peer pressured into learning how to kick.

With football out of the way there was just enough time for a visit to another dubiously named night club. This time it was the beach side establishment of Shoosh that would play host. IC had a lengthy warm up at ‘spoons where we got told off for having too much fun and being “too intoxed”. Not affected by this early setback IC arrived at the venue with high hopes. Unfortunately the opposition set out for a draw and the points were shared. Highlight of the game was another late challenge, this time on Bronia’s brother Callum, even though he wasn’t even playing. Callum was subbed off bringing an end to his Brighton adventure.

Next morning, the only thing on the agenda was to make a quick getaway and get back to London as soon as possible. Despite a quality weekend, it was agreed that Brighton would never be revisited. Thank you Naven Ghulam for organising another fantastic ICUAFC tour.