The worst movies of 2014 so far - Tarzan

Tarzan

Director: Reinhard Klooss

Writers: Reinhard Klooss, Jessica Postigo

Starring: (voices) Kellan Lutz, Robert Capron, Spencer Locke

Runtime: 94 minutes

Certification: PG

Rating: 1/5

There is something so dreadfully awful about Tarzan from the moment it begins. The poor animation makes you wonder just why this project was given the go-ahead sign in the first place. Motion-capture, as seen in Avatar, can be used for good. But as we all know, with great power comes great responsibility. And such powers can be used for evil. Which is what has been done here with this recent retelling of the titular jungle-loving, ape-man. The exact same principle applies to the use of 3D, which incidentally is also used here. Blurry with an extra, unnecessary dimension, plus the worst kind of motion-capture technology you’ll see ever – what a mix this is.

A poorly-conceived introductory sequence tries to put some context into Tarzan’s early beginnings. His dad was an explorer looking at special pretty rocks with some amazing properties which we are never told of throughout the film. Then there is a helicopter crash, leaving him orphaned, waiting to be adopted by a kind, maternal ape. He grows up to swing from trees, have ape friends who all look the same.

Yes, the problems with the animation start early. Everything looks exacrtly the same. The apes, who we are supposed to differentiate, because there is a villianous character in there somewhere, but it’s impossible to tell them apart, because the poor computer graphic design of the film gives every ape the exact same expression and colours. When the apes are fighting, forget about trying to choose a side, because you will not be able to tell which one is which. More so when the camera moves around frentically.

The humans themselves are just as badly designed. The only reason Tarzan stands out is because he keeps sticking his butt in front of the camera wearing very little, whereas all the other humans are wearing proper clothing. Thank god for clothes. Because again, with the humans other than Tarzan, the only factor differentiating them visually, other than the obvious factor of gender, is thanks to what they are wearing.

It gets worse when characters start talking. No, in the case of Tarzan, it’s when he starts grunting. There is a sense of major awkward voiceover work from Kellan Lutz, and when Tarzan starts stringing words together to form a sentence (he picks up the skill of speech remarkably quickly when Jane Porter enters his life), the only way for the film to go is down.

Everything is so stilted, and so the flimsy love story they throw in there for good measure is absolutely the most cringing thing you will ever have to endure.

And of course, there is the poor plot and poor characterisation that nicely package this as one of the worst films ever made. The villains, in a true Avatar-style, want something of value on the island where Tarzan and the apes live. The subplot involving the natural resources of the island is rather embarrassing, and is only focused on when the plot needs it for the villain to say evil things about his plans to destroy everything.

Walt Disney’s excellent Oscar-winning Tarzan adaptation was released almost 15 years ago, and yet it still remains an essential Disney must-watch classic (aren’t most of them?). This however, is one to forget about and sweep under the rugs, as a result of poor series of judgements from everyone involved.