The worst movies of 2014 so far - Winter's Tale

Winter’s Tale

Director: Akiva Goldsman

Writers: Akiva Goldsman, Mark Helprin (novel)

Starring: Colin Farrell, Jessica Brown-Findlay, Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Will Smith, Eva Marie Saint

Runtime: 118 minutes

Certification: 12A

Rating: 1/5

The film’s vomit-inducing tagline, “this is not a true story, this is true love” should give seasoned film viewers a vague idea as to the kind of cheesy territory the film is headed towards. But nothing can possibly prepare you for the kind of bonkers rubbish _Winter’s Tale _has in store for its audience.

After being abandoned as a child, Peter Lake (Colin Farrell) grows up to be a petty thief working for a scary demonic gangster boss Pearly Soames (Russell Crowe). Trying to leave it all behind, Peter goes to rob one more mansion, where he meets Beverley Penn (Jessica Brown Findlay). And because Peter looks like Colin Farrell, Beverley, a sickly girl with TB, immediately falls for him despite the fact that he just tried to burgle her place.

There is an element of fantasy itching to get out and flourish, and yet the film’s insistent need to approach this absurd story with as much heavy-handed realism as possible, holds the film back narratively. We can clearly see that Russell Crowe’s character is something other than human. And yes, Colin Farrell is also someone who is not entirely human. Even the sick Beverley seems to have some sort of a connection. She needs to stay as cold as possible to keep her condition at bay. But she loves light and warmth. She sees light. And in the battle between light and dark, perhaps her passion for light could mean something? This element is further heightened when Will Smith pops up for a cameo role as the Judge, which in this universe is another way of saying Lucifer. There is even a flying horse that acts as a guardian angel to Peter.

And yet none of the interesting elements are explored to give something half-cooked and a plot that never quite makes sense. Hopefully the source material novel is better at explaining the various aspects of the film the director does not even bother to touch on.

Instead we get a lot of scenes where good characters are fleeing from Russell Crowe’s gang of darkly-dressed men on their loyal flying white horse, and a lot of talk about some sort of an impending miracle that is supposed to occur with (hold on to your sick bags folks) a magical kiss. It doesn’t quite play out as predictably as you may think, but this is in no way a compliment to the way the plot progresses.

In fact, sometimes predictability is a good thing. It’s a rehash of things that have worked in the past. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But with _Winter’s Tale _it all develops into something so ludicrous that it is impossible to predict just where everything is going, not that you want to figure it all out, because as more is revealed, the less appealing the film becomes.

Colin Farrell and Jessica Brown Findlay may share some sweet moments, but nothing seems urgent about the threat of Russell Crowe the bad guy. So the longer the two romantic leads stare at each other and mope around, the slower the film becomes, and this is not exactly a short film by any means: at 118 minutes, it is quite a sizable running time, made worse by the film’s inability to move things forward.

Farrell is good at being Irish, because he is in real life, and Brown-Findlay is good at being English, because she is in real life. There is nothing more to add to their characters in terms of their limited performanaces, as there is very little for them to actually do.

Even with the introduction of Jennifer Connelly in the film’s final chapter things fail to improve. There is a mind-boggling time jump of a century, when everything is supposed to weave together to give some sort of a moving climax. And by this point, if you have not yet suspended your disbelief, it will be impossible to sit through the last several scenes.

Overall it’s a disaster that managed to attract some excellent talent. Although putting the well-cast members in roles that do not do their names justice. By the end of this film, there are two miracles that occur in the plot that are supposed to move us. But just as the ill-advised tagline suggests, the film is full of more cheese than genuine emotions.