Mascot Mayhem at Tri-Union Bar Night

It seems that City and Guilds College Union (CGCU) have been foiled again; this time having their mascot, Spanner, stolen from right under their noses.

The mascot – a giant spanner imaginatively named, well, Spanner – is over a metre in length and weighs in at 64lbs [why am I reporting on a fucking spanner!? Ed.].

This cumbersome piece of brass was taken from the CGCU office last Friday morning by a member of the Royal School of Mines Union (RSMU) committee, despite a member of the CGCU committee also being present.

The RSM student, a member of “Skinner’s Bottom” (The RSM mascotry team) visited the office to return another mascot and a tankard that was stolen from CGCU on Thursday evening during the Tri-Union Bar Night. According to CGCU President, stealing mascots during the night was off limits “so that they could meet for a play-date.” Felix remains uncertain as to what this actually means but was not inclined to investigate.

After being granted access to the office by security, the student went to return the mascots, but was greeted by the CGCU Media and Marketing Officer (MMO), seemingly fresh-faced after the previous night.

The MMO did not recognise when the RSM student lumbered the large, overbearing piece of hardware into his Mary Poppins-esque sports bag, then left, Spanner in tow. Said the MMO “I thought the spanner was already in the secret mascot stronghold safe from the slimy hands of RSMU.”

Felix spoke to Ben Warnick, who gave us a hilarious recount of what happened. Said Warnick, “As soon as the CGCU’s officer’s attention strayed, the spanner was hidden deftly in a hockey bag and the Miner beat a hasty retreat.

“The weight of the spanner in the bag was not insignificant, sufficiently so that the Guildswoman commented upon the weight of bag. Despite being a hair from discovering the intercollegiate espionage occurring under her nose, the miner managed to escape with the spanner much to the embarrassment of the CGCU Mascot Bearers.”

Photos later surfaced of two members of Skinner’s Bottom – one wearing what appears to be a fresher’s pub crawl t-shirt as a bandana – brandishing the large spanner in front of the RSMU office. Both are wearing top hats, and one also appears to be in some sort of cloak, although it is unclear if the outfits are integral to the mascotry stealing, as one would assume a cloak would only hinder the movement of a large metal spanner.

RSMU then issued a ransom to the CGCU, asking for £250 to be donated to RAG, for evidence of Spanner working on the bolts of Tower Bridge for which it is allegedly designed to do, for the president and Spanner bearer to do yards of alcohol and CGCU to write a grovelling letter of apology.

Felix has kindly printed the letter, mostly because we find it hilarious, satisfying one of the four ransom note demands. Since the Tower Bridge walkway is closed after a dropped beer bottle smashed its new glass walkway, it is uncertain if students will be allowed up wielding a heavy piece of weaponry to attempt to unscrew any fixtures, but at time of press a spokesperson of Tower Bridge declined to comment.

Felix has every faith in Tim Munday, CGCU President, that he can indeed down a yard, and wish him every success in his endeavour.