Felix Interviews President Candidate: Luke Armitage

What made you run for this position?

I knew that I would undeniably win the election, so there seemed to be no other option really. Also, I thought that I would get to meet Kris Kaye.

Also, through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

What is the main change you would like to implement if elected?

Fact: The union is currently too opaque. We are not even running on translucent yet - I propose that all brick structures be replaced, firstly with frosted glass, which will allow for some translucency, and finally, throughout the year we would implement the change to clear glass. Obviously, this change couldn’t be implemented straight away, but I fully support the implementation of innovative strategies which will break the glass ceiling of Imperial. This implementation will create a fully transparent union, which I believe to be the most important factor.

I will also push to award Ronnie O’Sullivan an honorary doctorate in Computer Science.

Finally, as stated in my manifesto, I will push to remove Thursday from the calendar. (I have had a dedicated research team working for three days to find the name of the day after Wednesday.)

What is your favourite thing about Imperial?

I’d be lying if I said that Kris Kaye wasn’t up there, but truthfully I’d say it’s how highly the university values students’ opinions when making decisions that involve said students.

Fact: Acton will be a convenient and enjoyable place to live for Imperial students.

What is the biggest challenge you foresee in the next year?

Question: What is a challenge? I do not believe in challenges, only in things that I have yet to complete.

But please, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

Are you running on a bet, and if so, what did you win/ will you win?

False: I am mortally offended by the suggestion.

Why are you running for President, but not doing so seriously?

Fact: I am literally the best. I also find it highly offensive that because my completely serious manifesto may not have the same values as a ‘regular’ presidential candidate that you are led to believe I am not a serious competitor. Let’s be reasonable here, find me a student who doesn’t want to buy a pint for 70 pence and I’ll find you a cabbage farmer who’s managed to successfully identify the correct irrigation techniques for his soil. snigger.

Do you think the structure of the Union Election process is laughable, and is that why you are running on what appears to be a joke manifesto?

Fact: I will win this election. No disrespect to my competitor, but if you are running against me there is no hope. The only thing I find laughable is the fact that Kris Kaye is forced to even compete again, when it is clear that he is the one successful thing to come out of the union for 37 years. I only wish he had run for president, as then it would be a real three horse race. Perhaps If Kris (or anyone else) had known that there would only be two candidates he would have been tempted to throw his name in the gauntlet.