This purist likes their tea and biscuits kept separate

Gentle reader, I’m certain that I am only the latest in a long line of commentators to compare two of the greatest influences in our British lives: tea and sex. While these might initially appear to have as much in common as, say, fashion sense and Islamic State, there’s a great deal of common ground. Like tea, sex can be enjoyed alone but is best enjoyed in company. Sex can be delightful when black, white or even Chinese (do try them all!). Like tea, things are surprisingly nice when they get fruity (or even herbal...).

Now, gentle reader, you may wonder why I am bringing this to your attention. While, as scientists, we know that symmetry suggests common physical laws, in fact I wish to use this to illustrate a problem with a common habit in the tea-drinking community. Readers, your commenter is a purist. I enjoy my tea with nothing added and I enjoy my sex similarly naked.

When someone proposes dunking biscuits into my tea, I am aghast! At first thought, to be sure, it seems a happy convergence: are two enjoyable things not more enjoyable together? There are, alas, less happy ramifications: chocolate and the sweat inevitable to bedroom activities are not happy bedfellows. While it encourages licking, it diverts attention and diminishes sensitivity. In short, a chocolate digestive in my tea is like chocolate body paint in my bedroom - surprisingly sticky and an inevitable source of brown mess.

I won’t pretend that I don’t like tea and biscuits together, nor that I’d kick someone out of bed for bringing chocolate, but I think we can all agree it’s better for everyone if the twain never quite meet. Do us all a favour, stop dunking – unless you’re prepared to take responsibility for cleaning the sheets (er, table).