How to have a one night stand (in Metric)

1 | Preparation

If you’re planning on pulling, you need to prepare yourself and your environment. This means making sure that your personal grooming is on point and your fridge is stocked. Sex is 90% preparation, 10% copulation. Good things to have

• A clean bathroom
• Spare towels (clean spare towels if you’re feeling fancy)
• A tidy room
• Oral hygiene
• An underwear strategy (are you going for comfort? Sexiness? Are you gonna go commando?)

2 | First contact

Identify your target (not in a predatory way). They’re usually found waiting at the bar. Don’t go for the hottest person (they’re out of your league). Go for their second most attractive friend. Initiate eye contact (if you’re a gay man, eye contact for over three seconds mean you have given them a licence to touch you.) If they don’t reciprocate, move on. Quantity over quality, it’s a numbers game. If it gets too late in the evening, lower your standards and keep trying. Once someone has returned your daring glances, stop. Immediately stop. No seriously, stop. The fish has been hooked. Do not go up to them and deliver a one liner. Do not buy them sambuca. Tequila on the other hand…

Go to the bar, stand next to them (order a drink, don’t be creepy), and try and talk to them. Now we can’t tell you what to say or how to say it (other than with confidence). If we could we’d be millionaires. Give it a go. You still have plausible deniability. You’re just getting a drink. Talk to them for a bit, get a drink and return to your group. Pat yourself on the back.

3 | Sealing the deal

You’ve made a few contacts, you’ve found someone that you really click with. You like them, and they keep finding excuses to touch you (not inappropriately, you perv. If they’re touching you inappropriately, call Security.). It’s almost time for the kiss, but first, make a really bad joke and see if they laugh.

They’re laughing. Good. Once the laughter has subsided, just keep your chill (you’re getting closer). Maintain strong eye contact, with the occasional glance to the lips. If the feeling is mutual, gravity will do the rest.

If the night is young, don’t be too keen, let them know you’ll see them later and go and hang out with your friends. Get their number first though. When you’re ready to go, find them, or if that fails, send them a message.

When you’ve finally located them, make sure that making out with them is still A-okay. It is? Good. Ask, “Do you... wanna go someplace else?” There’s literally no other acceptable way to phrase this. If you’ve done everything correctly, they will.

4 | Foreplay

Remember, it’s not okay to get with someone in an Uber. The drivers don’t get paid enough for that. Finally, you get to their place. Sadly, you tidied up for nothing. They’ll offer you a drink. Accept, stay hydrated. If you’re drunk, maybe call an Uber and tell them to take you home. If they’re drunk, definitely do that.

But you’re not drunk, you’re a responsible adult and you’re going to get laid tonight. Now you’re in their room, all over each other. You’re about to get laid, but aren’t you forgetting something? #foreplay

Take it slow, oral comes as standard. Feel free to explore your partner’s body. Make sure they’re cool with everything as you go. Find that spot that makes them moan. If they moan someone else’s name, well, that’s your name from now on. If you have a penis, it should not be the first thing to go anywhere. If you have a vagina, you are the conductor. You control the trains!

5 | The sex

A) Use a condom/alternative barrier protection

B) Bumping uglies

• In
• Out
• Repeat until satisfied C) Don’t ignore the clit. Acknowledge the prostate.

6 | Leave

You have a ten minute window after sex in which to get up, get dressed, and get the fuck out of there, no questions asked. If that window passes, you have to stay there and pretend that you’re enjoying cuddling until they fall asleep. We don’t make up these rules, society does, and you’d better obey them.

Once they’re asleep, and you’ve liberated all your limbs, raise your head and scout around the room for your belongings like a meerkat. Anything you can’t immediately see is gone forever. See, we told you not to bring anything valuable. Pick your shit up and exit the bedroom – you can get dressed in the hallway. Now get out before anyone notices. If you’re so inclined, take a memento (nothing valuable, you’re not a fucking thief. Take a protein bar or a juice box!).

So you fucked up. You haven't left

Scenario 1: You woke up first. You’ve lost the advantage of the darkness of the night, but you can still salvage this – try and actually follow step 6 and leave now. Congrats. Scenario 2: They woke up first. They haven’t noticed that you’re awake yet, so you have some time to think. You really have to pee, but you need to consider whether you want to get morning sex out of this. If you do, you have to do it before you get out of bed. It’s not morning sex if you’ve got out of bed, it’s just sex that happens to be in the morning. Morning sex counts as part of the one night stand, but if it’s sex in the morning, you’re technically seeing this person steadily. You are now in a relationship. Congrats.