How to have sex in halls

With exams finishing and the sun coming out, Imperial is a hive of frenzied sexual activity, as inhibitions are shed in anticipation of the long summer break. But if you live in a shared room in halls, it strongly limits the privacy available for the exciting sexual encounters that we’re all craving. Some of you may have already worked out how to get around this, and for others this may be a new problem. Anyway, here’s some advice for you to make the most of the rest of the summer term.

1. The scheduler

Most roommates are pretty reasonable about giving you the room for a few hours, providing they’re not still revising while you’re totally free. I’ve known roommate pairs who’ve negotiated alone time for sex, masturbation, or even Skyping home, so depending on your relationship with your roommate, you don’t necessarily need to be completely honest with them. Of course, this requires a degree of organisation from you and your partner.

2. The inconsiderate

You could just go for it when your roommate is out. Most people, upon returning to their room and finding their roommate having sex, will back out and find something else to do for a little while, even if they are passive-aggressively messaging the kitchen whatsapp group complaining about it. Unless you like being walked in on, pre-agreeing a warning signal is key, even if it’s just a courtesy text or a sock on the doorknob. If you do like being walked in on, see tip number three.

3. The spontaneous

There are plenty of semi-private spaces, both in halls and elsewhere on campus, that you can sneak off too and enjoy each other’s company. These vary from essentially private (lockable rooms) to risky (empty common rooms in the middle of the night), and in my experience, the acceptable level of risk is proportional to the level of horniness. A word of warning though, particularly in halls, more of the public spaces have CCTV than you’d expect, and security may well be watching you (Beit laundry room, I’m looking at you).

4. The borrower

If you have particularly liberal friends, you may find someone willing to lend you their single room if they, say, go away for the weekend. You may have to withstand some good-natured ribbing, offer up bribes, Febreeze their room, and hopefully launder their sheets, but in exchange for that, you can enjoy getting nasty in private.

5. The exhibitionist

Or you can just wait until your roommate falls asleep and then go at it. You have to be painfully quiet, and they may wake up and be a bit traumatised, but it’s probably fair game – they’ve definitely masturbated when you’ve been asleep before.