The four types of traveller you’ll meet this summer

It's almost the end of the academic year, meaning many of you will be in that final frenzy of wrapping up your final year projects. From frantic pipetting to manic coding, it's all very stressful – I've been there. But for those of you, much like myself a year ago, the end of uni does not equal a cry from relief. It means facing your boggart which, let’s be honest, is far more soul wrenching than Harry's dementor – the dreaded prospect of unemployment.

When you finally managed to smash that Goldman interview (it only took you 566 attempts not to fuck up, but who's counting, right?), you've got a few months before you become a real person in September, when that dollar blinding grad scheme starts, and there's only one thing to do – that generic gap yah thing and book an open ticket to a generic gap yah destination, much like me. I'm currently cotching in South East Asia, and as a (self-proclaimed) seasoned traveller, I'm going to enlighten you with the six types of backpackers you'll meet, to mentally prepare you for your own shenanigans.

Clingier than gum on a tube seat, this dude will not leave you alone

1) The Enthused Yank

Much like a puppy on crack, this breed of backpacker has far too much love for life and energy than should be legally allowed. Along with speaking at unsafely high decibel levels, rivalling that filthy bass at Ministry, the enthused yank is also brimming with bullshit. He'll recount his travelling tales with such dramatics, you'll wonder how this kid is still alive. Cyclones and lightning storms will feature, sunrises penetrating his spirit will be routine, and inevitably, there will be a mention of a divine intervention or two. Two days spent with this freak may drive you over the edge, so make sure you get out of that awkward hangout before he mentions that time when he casually parted the Red Sea.

2) The Premature Mid-Life Crisis Dude

Every hostel has one. It's that dude who's 30, quit his soul-destroying job, broken up with bae, and decided to fuck off overseas to find himself, spiritually of course, whilst partying with school leavers in a dingy nightclub seedier than Cheapskates (RIP).

With a constant yearning for affirmation, and clingier than gum on a tube seat, this dude will not leave you alone. This is even after you parted ways six weeks ago, thanks to social media; his Facebook posts rival both the abundance, and the (shit) quality of the status updates of your 14-year-old self. Mock all we may at the tragic nature of this dude's escapades, but through that thick wall of judgement, nothing seems to be able to get rid of that niggling at the back of your head pestering you, that this guy may be a hazy prediction of your own future.

3) The I'm not a tourist, tourist

Obsessed with shedding her western ways of thinking, and insistent she's not travelling for the Instagram glory, this backpacker's not on holiday, she's on a cultural voyage. Dismissing home comforts is at the forefront of her priorities, because in her mind, no where East has gone through the Stone Age. Western toilets? No, it's all about the squatting, like the locals do. A highly rated Tripadvisor hostel? No chance, it's all about shacking up with a stranger in their hut, with no air conditioning when it's 41°C, much like a local. Bottle of Evian, perhaps? Screw that, a refreshing glass of water from the river will do, emulating the local way of life. Comfort is overrated, guys, the locals don't have any, why should we? Did I mention how important it is to live like a local? I mean, once you've lived like them for a couple of days, it's the same as an entire lifetime without Netflix, right?

4) The Perfect Human

Like a rabbit in headlights, this solo traveller will beckon to be rescued by you and your squad. Yet, as time passes, and bonding intensifies, those puppy eyes will steal your heart and your possy will develop an obsession for this stray. The fan-girling may become unhealthy, but it's all part of the top notch bants. The day will come when you part ways with this stranger – you've got to let them leave the nest after all. But when that Facebook photo materialises with bae and her new crew, your blood will boil and intense voodoo may be performed. As Harry Styles warned us, everybody wanna steal my girl. But her heart is mine for the taking, so back off, yeah?!