This week on Games of Thrones

A big reveal this episode, hope you’re ready to board the hype train.

We’re dropped into an unfamiliar, oddly idyllic sequence of some happy villagers building some kind of chapel. This being Game of Thrones, I was half-expecting a dragon to come and burn everyone to a crisp just for being too happy with their lives. Not allowed in Westeros. Then we get the episode’s biggest moment; the Hound is back!

Turns out he’d been lying in a pool of his own blood for a couple of days before this lovely Septon came to nurse him back to health. He claims hate is what kept him going but the Septon doesn’t quite believe him. See what he would have thought if Sandor told him the story of how he got those scars (No Joker reference intended). Nevertheless, the Septon asserts that the gods (whichever gods they may be) still have a plan for him.

We head back to Margaery in Jesus Camp where she and the High Sparrow have a Bible-off before he cuts to the chase and lets her know that she really needs to bang her teenage husband and get preggers, claiming “Congress does not require desire on the woman’s part, only patience”. Someone must have been talking to my ex. Olenna has a chat with Marge under the watchful eye of the scary nun, trying to talk her out of the cult. Margery slips her a note to let her know that she has her head on straight and hasn’t been brainwashed and sends Olenna back to Highgarden. Before she leaves, she still has time to completely tear into Cersei. I’m going to miss the lack of given fucks Olenna brings to King’s Landing.

Popping back to the Riverlands, Jaime and Bronn arrive at Riverrun to take over the siege from the disorganised Frey’s. Bronn has a good couple lines reminding us why he became a fan favourite after such a long absence. The Frey’s threaten the Blackfish that they’ll kill Edmure if he refuses to hand over the castle but fail to follow through with this. Jaime uses his powers of the golden pimp-hand to put them in their place and requests a talk with the Blackfish. The parley is a great scene with two of the snarkier characters in the show facing off. This basically ends up with the Blackfish sticking up a middle finger at Jaime and asking what the fuck he’s gonna do about it.

Throughout the episode we get several scenes of Jon and Sansa travelling all over the North trying to curry favour with different parties. First up, the Wildlings: Jon gets their support with the help of his hypeman, Tormund and a giant saying his name. Then he goes to possibly the most badass little girl in the show (Yeah, that includes Arya) in Lyanna Mormont; she rips the shit out of everyone in front of her before offering her army of 62 men after Davos convinces her. Shame he got into smuggling instead of being a lawyer, he would’ve been great. Last up are the Glover’s who basically say “Look, we’ve had enough of your shit; you’re not getting more of our men to die.” Sansa looks like she may be useful for a second before getting demolished. Jon and her argue for a bit whether they’re ready to march on Winterfell and she sneaks off to write a letter. It’s pretty hard to read but I’m pretty sure she’s asking Littlefinger for assistance from the Knights of the Vale. That guy must be getting sick of going up to down the entire continent for this girl.

We get a short scene of Theon and his sister arguing at some brothel about how he’s become such a pussy ever since losing his peen. She gets him to drink a mug of ale and he appears re-energised and committed. See, kids? Alcoholism works!

Across the Narrow Sea to Braavos, Arya manages to book a ride back home before getting stabbed 37 times in the chest. Yeah, the Faceless men weren’t exactly cool with her lack of follow-through apparently. She doesn’t seem to be getting any help either so I have no idea what’s happening with her now.

The episode wraps up with the Hound’s lovely new friends getting threatened and subsequently murdered by the Brotherhood without Banners. I told you that you aren’t allowed to be happy in Westeros. Expect a rampage of revenge from him next week.

This was, all in all, a pretty dull episode. There was a lot of setting up characters to be in places for further events but nothing happening in the meantime – probably setting up for an explosive final few episodes of the season. The title, ‘The Broken Man’, obviously refers mostly to Sandor but equally to Theon, possibly even Jon who gets very frustrated with his lack of success.

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