What a shame it’s not Valentine’s day...

Since it was recently Valentines Day, and my lack of organisation meant that I didn’t get this into the paper in time for a couple of weeks ago, I thought I’d share some ideas for those of you looking to spice up your next Valentine’s Day. Just as with all sexual activity, consent from the participating/affected parties is key.

Restrain and suspend yourself

You will need: • Ropes • Sleepsack, or failing that, a cheap sleeping bag (optional) • A sturdy frame or bar which can support the weight of a person

Sometimes it can be really fun to be fully restrained so you can’t move and be suspended from the ceiling. If you get yourself a nice sturdy sleep-sack it should have straps to keep you in place. You can then attach a rope and have someone winch you up. Once you’re there you’ll be completely at their mercy. So they can play with your genitals or hit you with something, or you can just enjoy the sensation of not being able to move. If you’d like to get a little more skillful and artistic with your suspension, or can’t afford a sleepsack, try checking out shibari. It’s the ancient japanese art of rope bondage. You can be suspended in all kinds of shapes, or just do away with the suspension altogether and be turned into a nice sculpture.

Google keyword: Suspension bondage

Watersports

You will need: • Lots of water or other beverages • A bath, shower, basement level laboratory bathroom, outside space or a lack of respect for your bedroom furnishings. Take your pick. This one is relatively cheap and simple. Drink lots of fluids, then pee on your partner. It’s a relatively risk free sexual practice. Urine is usually sterile, unless the urinator has a UTI. There is a tiny risk of salmonella or CMV, but this is very rare. Try not to get too much of it in the eyes if you don’t want a bit of stingage

Google keyword: Urolagnia

Be a dog person

Optional: • Pup tail/ tail butt-plug • Pup hood or mask

Pup play is a rising phenomenon in the kink world. No equipment is required, but can help people to get into the mood. Essentially, you just have to get on your hands and knees and pretend to be a dog. You could play fetch, eat from a dog bowl or just do away with human language constructs and opt to bark and growl instead. Popping in a tail butt plug, or strapping on a show tail may make the experience more dog-like. If you’re really looking to go for it, why not invest in an anatomically correct canine strapon or cocksheath.

Google keyword: Pup play

Pound a plush toy

You will need: • Stuffed toy • Scissors (optional) • Fleshlight (optional) • Silk lining (optional) • Needle and thread (optional) • Strapon (optional)

If you’re feeling a little lonely next Valentine’s day, don’t worry. You may have a willing sexual partner just at the end of your bed, or buried away in a wardrobe. Just find yourself a fit plushie. Many people choose to just hump against them, or give them a facial. If you’d like to go further, and have sewing skills or an open minded friend at build a bear, you can even sew in a silk orifice, or pull out some stuffing and fit an artificial silicone one. If you are looking to be penetrated, you can fit a strap-on and go to town on that teddy.

Google keyword: Plushophilia

Sacrifice yourself as food

Optional: • Creature with a jaw diameter wider than your hips • Craigslist ad

Can you imagine a better feeling than being swallowed and digested? Me neither. Maybe you could find yourself a large snake and just let them consume you. If being swallowed whole isn’t the deal breaker, you could even organise to meet someone online, who might eat you in smaller chunks.

Google keyword: Vorarephilia

I hope I’ve given you some ideas, or enlightened you somewhat. Don’t forget to google the keywords if you’re interested. There’s a vast wealth of advice and community out there. Happy Next Valentine’s Day!