US news is moving like constipated bowels
Until the new House sits in January, we won’t have much of anything going on. Gather round, kids, as I slurp up dregs of news from the greatest shithole country on earth.
Hey folks, welcome back to another instalment of your favourite politics comment column. Remember that Felix can be your voice if you email us by Monday; having more lefty voices would be pretty swanky. This column is gonna be short; Charlie’s stealing my page. Sorry for the terseness.
RIP to a real one. Harry Leslie Smith unfortunately passed away this week. Left Forum will presumably be holding a candlelit vigil.
Paul Manafort’s gonna get the book thrown at him, because he broke his plea deal and lied to federal investigators. Chucklefuck.
Donald J. Trump (“J” for “Jdiot”) is refusing to believe his own government’s report on climate change. In other news, it’s hot as balls in the Felix office – take your snowballs and fuck off.
A new report indicates the Trump Foundation made no charitable donations last year, meaning it should lose its 501(c)3 charitable status. Presumably nothing will happen, though, because Trump is in charge and we live in hell.
A survey of senior Dem strategists suggests Sanders is the frontrunner. VINDICATION, BITCHES. THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.
Hillary Clinton is kicking and screaming while she’s dragged into the future. She recently commented on the “importance of stemming immigration” in Europe. Is she center-right already or am I gonna have an aneurism? Guillotine her already.
Dems are on track to clinch their 40th House pickup – the last undecided race. They won the last House vote with the largest margin in history. Wow, it’s almost like the Republicans steal elections.
Breitbart is reporting that Chuck Schumer is willing to spend some more cash on the border wall. That’s exactly what you do when you’re hot off an election with the upper hand, and are feeling pressure from the left wing of your own party - shit yourself and break your neck running into the wall. I mean, Breitbart is fake news, and I only read it to laugh at the morons in the comment section, but whatever.
Trump is trying to cover up his support for Kashoggi’s killers by telling everyone how much we’re gonna make from Saudi Arabia in arms deals. How much more cartoonishly immoral does the ruling class have to get before we can sanction revolution in the press?
Finally, good news – in Detroit, undercover cops tried to buy drugs from undercover cops. They tried to arrest each other and the situation devolved into a fist fight. This is your brain on drug wars.
Alright folks, that’s this week done. See you next time for the end of the world.
