A travesty has occured at Imperial

The vegetarians, or vegans or whatever powerful fruit- and veg-based cult that apparently runs this university has struck again. If you, like myself, are a carnivore innocently minding your own business, you will have run into the horror that is meat-free Mondays. How is it that these green-fingered sandal-wearing tree-huggers have moved from being shunned at the edges of society to having enough power to manipulate what I can eat for lunch? Much like other extreme political ideologies that emerge from the shadows to oppress us normal-red blooded meat lovers, the animal friends convention has risen up. Now is the winter of our discontent.

How is it that the vegetable slime can impose their will upon us. Some of them make the claim that the Union has the mandate to rule on what I put in my mouth as a part of reducing emissions. In general I agree with that sentiment. I personally believe in climate change, but I believe that people undersell the potential benefits. For one thing it may get warmer and for another, it might drown all those pesky tax havens. I believe it is my personal duty to stimulate as much demand as possible for that aim alone. That alone would be worth it, not withstanding the joy of eating a juicy steak.

Some argue that this approach is about making us healthier and happier as a result of giving up meat for a day a week. What a bunch of hypocrites. Are they not all addicted to the most unhealthy, diabetes inducing food of all- sugar? Sugar is sold around campus permanently with no chance of it being subject to the same sanctions.

In summary, as much as I can no longer get an erection without looking at the portrait of the queen, why is it that the veggie extremists cannot comprehend that I cannot bring myself to eat unless I know that a semi-sentient animal has suffered? Something must die for me to live. And preferably that thing should be pink and squealing. And not a child.