Grumpy Bastard’s Elections

I’m unsure how many of you are aware of this but apparently voting in the student elections opens at 12 am today. A keen follower of student politics myself, I am excited to find out just who my representatives to the Union are going to be. Despite several years watching every single team of sabbs accomplish almost nothing of note during their tenure, it is always exciting to find out just how this next crop will fuck up.

I’m especially excited to find out just how they will waste all of the £30000 being funnelled into their pockets. Given that they are mostly brain dead by the time they have finished the role, I imagine a significant proportion of it is spent on life support- although they clearly did not invest enough to alow the sabbs to breathe and approve payments at the same time. That’s what happens when you have the IQ of a small legume.

However, I’m getting ahead of myself. At this point in time, we have not yet made the choice of which mindless clone we’re going to have in the Union, or exactly how far college will have an arm up their arse telling them exactly which way to yelp. No, we are still in the sweet spot beforehand, where anything may yet be possible. Campaigning began on Wednesday and already I’ve seen at least 8 or 9 shit posters with a pun on their name based on the role they were applying for. In all honesty the KGB probably had a better sense of humour.

I’m unsure if you were unlucky enough to catch the Meet the Candidates debate, but let me assure you, I was an avid viewer. ISIS haven’t been releasing quite as many execution videos as they used to and I was excited for a recreation of Meet the Candidates 2018. However, I was disappointed when the event proved to be remarkably well put together and ran semi-smoothly, despite audio issues and a host that looked like Princess Diana immediately before she went through the car dashboard. It was also weird that they let Edward Snowden commentate on the sofa. I thought he was still holed up in Moscow being choke-fucked by Vadimir Putin. This year’s candidates at least seem promising; they made a lot of promises.

However, it may be that, by roasting our student representatives, I am missing the point. Every year, candidates promise meaningful reform and change, and yet every year they completely fail to deliver. At present we are witnessing a very real reduction in services offered to students, with cuts to the food available on campus and failures by college essentially going unpunished. Is it truly fair to blame the candidates, who I genuinely believe, cross the Union threshold on their first day with the best of intentions? It’s not their fault that the world of graduate employment just wouldn’t suit them at the present time. The problem ultimately lies with the Union bureaucracy being run not for the benefit of the students at Imperial, but to meet budgetary targets set far in the past. The fact that the sabbs are there for me to fling shit at only shields those that act behind the scenes to fuck everything up. But I’m not here to offer solutions. I’m just here to hate.